📱We're Done After This
📞 Hello? Hi. It’s me, Jen Glantz. Welcome to the 1-800-Bridesmaid, by Bridesmaid for Hire. A place where real stories are shared and your best advice is given.
This week: Carol wants to end a 13-year-long friendship. How the heck does she do that?
Last week: A bridesmaid asked how much money she should give on a tight budget. Here’s what you told her.
Hold please:
Dear 1-800-Bridesmaid,
I'm Carol, and I'm writing because I'm at a crossroads with a friendship that's been a part of my life for 13 years. Sarah was my bridesmaid and once my best friend, but over the years, we've grown apart. Now, I'm considering ending our friendship entirely, and I'm not sure how to go about it.
The problem is that Sarah isn't the same person I became friends with all those years ago. She's become increasingly negative and, frankly, not very nice to me. For example:
Last month, when I got a promotion at work, instead of being happy for me, she made snide comments about how I must have "known the right people."
She constantly criticizes my parenting choices. When my son had a tantrum at a restaurant, instead of offering support, she loudly proclaimed that my "lack of discipline" was to blame.
Recently, she "forgot" my birthday, even though I always remember hers. When I mentioned it, she brushed it off, saying, "Oh, I thought that was next week. It's not a big deal, right?"
She often cancels our plans at the last minute, but gets upset if I can't drop everything to meet her when she suddenly has free time.
I've tried talking to her about these issues, but she either dismisses my feelings or turns it around to make herself the victim. I'm exhausted from the emotional toll this friendship is taking on me.
How do I go about ending this friendship? Is there a way to do it that's respectful of our history but also firm? Should I have a face-to-face conversation, write a letter, or just gradually distance myself? I'm worried about mutual friends and potential drama, but I also know I need to prioritize my own well-being.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Let’s help Carol.
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You encapsulated it in your last sentence; You need to prioritize your own well-being.
I think that includes not worrying too much about what opinions or reactions others may have to your act of self-care which is no one's choice but yours and is not a negative act to any of those others with opinions.
You know how the saying goes, opinions are like assholes., everyone has one.
Your manner of communicating your choice should be the least stressful and most effective for you.
Perhaps try writing down everything you would say in a conversation and visualize it? It will automatically organize your thoughts and bring you to points of clarity on everything that you need to say for yourself. Perhaps other things will come up that you find that you need to say too.
Take your time, you don't need to rush yourself. You can step back, breathe, take all of the time that you need. You are not obligated to communicate with her until you are fully ready and comfortable. You are not obligated to answer her or communicate with her until YOU are ready.
She probably won't understand that, but that is part of this problem, it seems. - The absence of basic respect.
All power to you,
Eva
Maybe it’s because I’m 45 years old but as you get older you learn that not everything needs closure and you don’t have to always announce your exit or departure.
When people show you how they feel about you, please believe them.
The real question is why do you allow the poor treatment that she gives you?
Something else you need to understand is that everyone lives their lives in seasons. She may be going through a hard season and she may not know how to express that (not your problem).
If you’ve already attempted to express your concerns and they’re falling on deaf ears, move on! Allow yourself to grieve the loss of that friendship and go find other people to include in your life. It really is that simple. Love yourself enough to know that you require friendships that provide support and never settle for less than that.
Give her and yourself grace and keep it pushing ❤️