She DM'ed me a wedding invite
She DM'ed me a wedding invite
1-800-Bridesmaid
📞 Hello? Hi. It’s me, Jen Glantz. Welcome to the 1-800-Bridesmaid, by Bridesmaid for Hire. A place where real stories are shared and your best advice is given.
This week: Rach got invited to a distant friend’s wedding via Instagram DM. Should she even consider going?
Last week: A bride is upset that one of her bridesmaids left her wedding early because she got drunk. What advice would you give her?
Hold please:
Dear 1-800-Bridesmaid,
I really need your advice on this wedding situation. My college roommate Zoe is getting married next month, and I'm feeling conflicted about the whole thing. Here's what's going on:
Zoe and I were close in college, but we drifted apart after graduation when she moved across the country with her boyfriend Ethan. They met at a music festival when Zoe was 19 and Ethan was 28.
Zoe basically dropped off the radar for the past year. None of our college friends heard from her until last week when we all got wedding invitations out of the blue.
The invitations were sent as a Google form via Instagram DMs. The RSVP deadline is in just five days (the wedding is in three weeks!), and Zoe's been messaging everyone non-stop to respond immediately after seeing we've read the invite.
There's a "whimsical formal" dress code, but Zoe also wants all guests to incorporate specific colors (shades of orange and teal, plus one particular shade of metallic gold). This isn't for the wedding party - there isn't one. She's even provided links to specific designer websites where she wants us to buy our outfits from.
The gift registry has items that Zoe says they "absolutely need to start their married life," even though they've lived together for years: like a $300 espresso machine, a $1,200 smart home system, and a $600 stand mixer. Nothing is under $250.
I'm really torn about what to do. Should I even go to this wedding? If I do, how do I handle all these demands? What would you do in my shoes?
-Rach
Let’s help her out. What should she do?
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I don’t mind digital invites. What I do mind is the turn around time for response. That feels quick for someone who hasn’t kept in touch…
Some things to marinate on: What type of relationship do you have with this person? Would missing the wedding really bum you out? Can you afford being a guest (transportation, outfit, gift, pto, etc)?
Only go if you really feel up to it and will celebrate your friend in the way she is requesting. We are not obligated just bc we were friends at one point in time in our life. We don’t have to do anything we don’t want to. I know that’s harder to put into practice. For me, OP, it doesn’t feel like you really want to go as you mentioned more negatives than positives. That’s totally ok! Protect your peace and send her a card and gift you can actually afford.
Hey OP.
If you want to go. Go.
If you don't. Don't.
A little tidbit and unnecessary story but I'll get to the point...There was several groups of people in a few organizations I was in at one time. I really admired them, and offered friendship when we volunteered together. At the time, I was looking for bonds and connections because some other friends passed, and I wanted to form new friendships (I didn't say anything to anyone at the time, because when first meeting someone, you don't wanna say hey, my circle got smaller because people passed, that's morbid right?) But the feeling wasn't mutual due to cultural differences, differences in lifestyle and mindset. I wasn't in their inner circle and they wasn't in mine. I read the writing on the wall and realized they didn't want my friendship. I stopped putting in the effort, changed my boundaries, and protected my peace. I stopped being the go to to people I couldn't go to. I cut off my heart and I no longer miss them.
I see them nowadays hanging out on social media, and I'm happy for them even though I have zero desire to hang out with them. I don't care about being friends with them. I don't care about being invited. I don't care anymore period. If they were to invite me to their weddings, (digital or not, I also don't mind digital invites), I would wish them well but politely decline. I saw wedding photos, said congratulations in the comment section. But I didn't care about not being invited. I had zero desire or interest in being there. They are not important to me anymore. I don't have to go because we were acquaintances at one time. I don't have to go because we happened to be in the same organization at one time and shared volunteer projects. I don't have to show up because we went to the same school. I don't have to go because I at one time admired them. (I'm currently getting my eyes examined, because I'm trying to figure out what I saw in them.)
And vice versa. My bowling teammate from high school has zero obligation to me or to my wedding. Just because we share memories from going out does not mean they have to share my special day with me. Just because we went to Yacht Week back in 2019 doesn’t mean they have to drop what they are doing and show up to my wedding.
Food for thought. Yeah you were friends at one time but you're not friends anymore (or you just don't see the friendship in the same way). The person isn't a priority to you.
It's just strange to me that you both fell out of touch, and out of the blue she pops up placing all these demands on you. She doesn't have it like that with you, and it's ok to say no to things we don't want to do!
It sounds like you don't care about going to this wedding and it wouldn't bum you out if you missed it. It's not an obligation. Send your well wishes and thoughts but say thanks for the invite, but I'm not coming. If you want, you can even send a card.
You got this!
Your Bridesmaid Bestie Alesha