Can I Quit Being a Bridesmaid? (Part 2)
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This week: Today we’ll continue to hear from a bridesmaid who said yes to being a bridesmaid but then her life turned upside down. I'll share what she decided to do and how it worked out.
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🙅🏻♀️Can I Quit Being a Bridesmaid? (Part 2)
A few weeks ago I shared a story about Nicole, who dialed me up at the Bridesmaid for Hire hotline and shared that she was asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend she’s known since college. Their friendship has been thinning out over the years but Nicole said yes.
But life has been a bit more complicated for Nicole. She lost her job, has to find a new place to live, and recently was laid-off at work.
She isn’t on the up and up yet so she wants to quit being a bridesmaid for someone who is hardly even her friend.
Over 100 of you wrote in and shared advice. I sent Nicole every single word that you shared with her.
Some of you said she should put herself first and resign from being a bridesmaid:
Even though you and the Bride are not as close anymore, you should ask to have a one-on-one with her to keep her in the loop as to what is going on; if she asked you to be a part of her big day, she clearly sees you as a close friend plus you don't want to take away from her big day and the experiences that go with that. Ask if she'd be okay with you stepping away from the wedding party but still share with her that big milestone that'll be her wedding (as a guest). -Yanine
“I want to start by saying I’m honored that you have chosen me to be your bridesmaid on your special day. However, recently my life has been flipped upside down. I lost my job, broke up with my boyfriend, and I’m having to search for a place to live while looking for a new job. As much as I’d love to be your bridesmaid, I’m not in a place right now to focus on that with all that’s going on and you deserve a bridesmaid that is able to be there, focusing on the planning and coordinating.” -Robyn
"I am sorry life is seemingly falling apart. I would be upfront and honest with your college friend and let her know that unfortunately you won’t be able to be apart of her wedding anymore. You don’t need to go in to detail with why you can’t be apart of the wedding anymore if you don’t want to, but letting her know sooner rather than later is important."-Katie
Your situation can happen to all people. Anyone can lose their job and have a break. It changes a person. But i want you to understand that we are all human and when things like this happen after you have committed yourself as a bride maid. It’s better be honest and up front about it so the bride can adjust to these changes in a timely manner. She might even pay for you to be in the wedding herself. Friends help friends, friends are understanding. Even through you may feel like you are letting her down in a way. Looking for a job in order for you to pay for your rent and another expense is more important than picking a dress for a wedding. If the bride really loves you, she would be very understanding -Raquel
But others of you felt entirely different. Instead of backing out, you told Nicole to stay put as a bridesmaid.
I think you should be a bridesmaid for your friend. I think you should do everything with her and forget a little bit of what you have going on. It would be nice to distract yourself from what’s going on. I’m not saying to forget about it but I’m saying go be a bridesmaid go have fun go choose colors of dresses with your friend and forget a little bit about what’s going on in your lifestyle and then when you come back, you’ll be nice and fresh in your mind. Will be more stable to look for a better job. -Yuridia
The friendship maybe hanging on by a thread but there’s a reason she asked you to be apart of her big day. There is something left in that thread of you all friendship that is valued. It is unfortunate that life is lifing at this moment, but spend 4hours looking for jobs and 2 hours looking for the bridesmaids dress. We all have 24hrs in a day and what we choose to do with them is our choice. This wedding could be the revamp you and your friend need to revive the thread. It’s a few days leading up to the big day and you’ll gain more afterwards. -Clarissa
Before Nicole read through your responses, she had an idea of what she wanted to do. But when she read through your advice, she said she felt a lot better that so many of you have been in similar - or identical - situations before.
Nicole decided to ask the bride to meet for lunch. Instead of arriving there and dumping all of her problems on the bride, Nicole made a rule that she’d spend the first 30-minutes talking about anything else.
They caught up and Nicole asked questions about the wedding. At one point, the bride asked Nicole how she’s doing and that’s when Nicole told the truth.
She shared all the tough stuff she was going through and expressed that while she was looking forward to being a bridesmaid and getting close to the bride again, the timing is off and her mindset is in a bad place.
She said the bride awkwardly said she “understood” and told Nicole it was okay if she wanted to quit being a bridesmaid and come to the wedding as a guest.
Nicole said the convo wasn’t a total win. There was a little passive-aggressiveness coming from the bride and after the convo, the bride didn’t text her to check-in on her or ask how she was doing.
It’s been over two weeks and other than Nicole texting the bride some casual things here and there, she hasn’t heard anything from her.
Friendship is a mixing bowl of emotions. Sometimes the relationship sits like mush until it’s sorted out later on.
In this case, Nicole felt like if she didn’t focus on getting her life back in order, she’d suffer greatly for a while. Her mental health wasn’t in a good place and her finances were a mess.
We’re always taught to show up for others but there’s something to be said in friendship (and bridesmaid land) about also showing up for ourselves first.
I’m realizing this now more than ever as a first-time mom.
I hope you realize this too - at some point - when you need to know that it’s okay to cancel plans or ask a friend to understand that you’re going through a tough time. We're all human, with beating hearts, rolling lives, and love in our veins.
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All my love,
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