So here's just a little more tough love for you. Understand that all of us live our lives in seasons. Right now their season is to be wives and when you are married, your life becomes about your family. It's not necessarily fair but it's real. Now on the other side of that coin, understand that people will only treat you the way you allow. If you allow yourself to be someone who is always available, then so be it. If you also allow yourself to be a landfill, then so be it.
You have to take some accountability for that. Be intentional about the conversations and people that you entertain. It's so, so necessary for your own peace and well-being. A true friend will never treat you that way and this doesn't mean that they don't care about you. It could simply be that that friendship has expired.
Embrace the fact that not everyone is meant to be in your life forever. Go make some new friends and forge ahead. If you're truly bothered by the way they are treating you, then speak up and express how you feel.
I know how you feel Carol. I had a friend that was all about the guy she was with and only contacted me when things went bad. That’s no friend. A friend would not want to only hang or talk when things, guy or otherwise, got bad. If she can’t be a friend through it all she’s not a friend at all.
Invite her out and YOU take the lead. Talk about you, wins, issues and ask for advice. Remind her of your commonalities. Let her know that marriage advice comes from married people so she should steer those conversations there. Build upon what you have built together. Don’t give up - it’s exciting to be newly married and that is number one for her right now.
Hey Carol! Fellow Houstonian, current Floridian (unfortunately lol I miss Texas a lot). Anyway, your post resonated with me deeply. I have been a bridesmaid in 6 weddings. Each bride I considered a best friend at some point in my life and held the belief we would maintain that status well beyond the wedding. Of the 6, only 2 have remained.
Here to validate you that it SUCKS to be the friend who does most of the heavy lifting—aka the friend who reaches out, organizes the get togethers, puts in more of the effort. You deserve to have friends who equally pour into you and make you feel valued, appreciated, and loved. I am curious if your friends know how you truly feel. if not, are willing to hear you out? True friends will own up to their shit and be like, “my bad girl” and do better. If the get defensive, than maybe that friendship served its purpose and it’s time to move on. Hope you are able to restore your relationships or find the friends you deserve. Good luck girl.
I really love that you called out how it sucks to be the friend who does the heavy lifting. I think it's a powerful reminder to people that everyone can make things a bit more equal in friendships.
I can relate to this and love the comments in the comment section. Just off record, I'm not marrying or having kids. As the single for lifer (and honorary wing woman) in the collective, I actually look forward to being the bridesmaid instead. I realized several things.
#1. Once they get married and have kids, you're not the priority anymore. The friendship dynamics changes. They even told me "hey girl, we will still hang out and have time." Lies. Their family and kids are their #1 priority, I fall down to the bottom of the barrel. I learned not to take it personal, but a life change. I'm not expecting to hangout like we did in school. I see some people 2 to 3 times a year. I'm flexible and we connect when we can. I'm not expecting my married friends to hit the bars with me like we did in school or have the time like my fellow single friends. Sometimes, we meet at the children's museum. I'm auntie to their kids. We drink for happy hour or over zoom instead of going out. Meanwhile, when my single friends are around we roll without regulations or restrictions. I create new memories with new people. I meet people where they at.
#2. Some friendships last forever, some last for a season. Friendships are important, but once a lot of my girls got married/had kids. I stopped hearing from them as much. I also have guy crazy girlfriends, once they have their men, I barely hear from them.
#3. You got a big heart like I do. I give without expectation, and I showed up for others too much in ways they didn't show up for me in my 20s. People mistaked my kindness for weakness too much. People took advantage too much. I had to adjust and start having better boundaries. I stopped being the go to person to people I couldn't go to. I stopped pouring into cups of people who didn't pour into mine. One day I woke up different and said enough. I'm in a hermit mode nowadays. I enjoy my alone time and solitude. I'm very picky on who I let in my peaceful sanctuary. My health, my purposes, and my path is number 1. I'm responsible for my own healing and destiny. I dictate my own joy, not other people. I stopped reaching out to a lot of people just to see if they would reach out to me. It didn't happen. I assumed they didn't care about me or the friendship anymore. I cut out a lot of toxic dynamics. I have to be honest, I'm the only child. I enjoy my alone time more than hanging out with people nowadays. I'm not the jealous type and I'm not into drama. When it boils down to it, I rather be on my own than hang out people that's not good for me or my well being. I refuse to be a doormat, and when I see that someone is not putting in the same effort, I let the boat sink. I'm done with doing the heavy lifting. When I care, I do. When I don't, I don't. It's curtains.
#4. I'm on a different path than a lot of my peers I went to school with. I'm an entrepreneur and I'm taking the road less traveled. People in my old school circles can't square the old me with the new me. I'm forging a path that a lot of my peers don't recognize. The resentment and silent treatment has been real. And a lot of people stopped being in touch when I had successes and they realized I didn't want the same things as them. As more and more of my peeps get married and have kids, I know I'll just have to add in more single friends, point blank.
#5. I had to cut my losses, start over and find new friends. I've also had a lot of friends pass away from the ages of 19 to 35. Sometimes I had to find new friends because people passed away. I also had friends disappear on me after other friends passed.
#6. In my experience I learned that if people can't use you they don't want to be bothered. Bad times reveal who your true friends are. Another dynamic is I have medical issues, and lawdz people revealed themselves. I had a conversation with several of my people and said look, due to my chronic illnesses and surgeries, I might not be in touch for a bit, and to not take it personally. I learned to lower my expectations when it comes to people, because I'm the friend that doesn't stop being there, but learned that the world doesn't always return the kindness you put out. And when people are there, great! When they are not there, great!
Alesha, wow. Thank you for all of this. #1 hit me hard. I'm a new mom and I haven't been able to be "Friend of the year" this year but some of my friends have met me where I'm at - and I appreciate it more than I can express. Thank you for sharing all of this.
I am quite sad to say that’s not an out of the ordinary in relationships. Especially at the age. The entire wedding thing leads (especially w females) to an idea of change in lifestyles and along w that in my experience single women are not to be included in life. Unless trying to find a date for them or as you experienced? To hang out with when you’re considering returning to their world of being single. I am much older than you, and also sad to say it seems to continue throughout the years. I have “friends” that if in relationships or married? I never hear from. I have single friends that tend to ignore me if I’m not in “hunting mode.” Meaning going out a lot, effectively to locate single men which I don’t find necessary at the time or the money involved in going out all the time. It’s difficult to emotionally find the transition your experiencing nit without pain, I’m sorry your experiencing that. It’s about personal boundaries , if you can be there when they need you only and with understanding that if or when the marriage is back on that their presence will be as it was prior to their need for interaction? Then by all means, be there.
But if it’s too much by whatever qualifications you have in your emotional allowances? Then I say this, you need to do what’s best for you. I can almost promise you that what you describe is not going to change in your female dynamics throughout the years. But maybe not, although I don’t feel that’s going to be the situation.
Move on from those friendships, not saying to ice them out. But find friends more liking to your single status and interests. Female relationships are painful when they change. We as women tend to be all in 💯 and it’s hard when we don’t feel supported as we support. But I have found that’s how it is, other than the rare bestie who is such a fab friend their personal life never effects the bond between you. But as sad as I am to say this? Just move on from the group and find like minded friends that don’t only call when the other relationships are in trouble. Blessings to you, always! 🌲🤷♀️
I was always that friend. I was there for my friends and I never stopped being there. I parted with my best friend "forever" because she met a guy and a couple of months later she lied to me and I had to see the truth in Instagram. I recently got married and I didn't invite anyone that wasn't in contact with me. People have asked me why I didn't invite them and my response has been: you just weren't available. Then they go on to say that they would have been for a wedding. You want to know what the worst part is? I am married to a wonderful guy that makes me happy and I still get lonely. I know I still have friends in other parts of the country, but I aspire to those friends that travel to see you. Sometimes I would like to think that people forget about me when I am not in their face, that they don't look at my stories and they don't think about me. I know it's not true. I know that people that spent almost every day with me for 3 or 4 years, maybe even more, don't just forget. They choose not to reach out. If friends respond I know that they are busy. If friends ignore it or say they don't have time, that is a red flag. That friend is not necessarily lost to you yet. Talk to her about how she made you feel when the moment is right. Tell her that you want to be friends with her in the good and the bad, not just the bad. I want all of you to remember that marriages can end, but friendship doesn't have to. People forget that and when things go bad they come crawling to you for help.
Straight to the point and giving you some tough love. Your availability dims your value in the friendship department. The more you are available they will not realize the friend they have. Communication is key, it open doors to so many unspoken rooms (like the saying you just opened a can of worms) Sometimes those rooms need to be opened and aired out. I used to be that friend, sister and girlfriend that's always available. Until I decided to focus on spending my energy on me and spending time with myself and making time for me. Try thing out of my comfort zone etc. I am still single and enjoying life on my terms. So please even if you have nothing to-do when you get one of those calls from your girls, let them know you're busy with a project or something, and find something today and go do it. If they ask you follow up questions do not respond until later or the next day. That will tell them you really are busy and couldn't respond back immediately. Most people might not approve of this, but it worked for me. In all my friends that are now living in different parts of my country they're one that always checks up on me from time to time and I do the same. We sometimes just send a simple text to one another say "I love you". It basically means I am busy these days, but I do think of you every now and then. In all the friends I had, I now know who that true friend was in the group. Wish you all the best in your decisions Carol. Take care. You will be a bride to the one you are meant to be with soon.
Gina - I LOVE this!! We sometimes just send a simple text to one another say "I love you". It basically means I am busy these days, but I do think of you every now and then. I
It’s breaks my heart that women can’t have real meaningful friendships anymore. Iv been blessed with a handful of friends that I know will always have my back. Even though life changed and I don’t talk to them all the time, we all still try to make time for each other . A true friend ship is never one sided and you deserve better. Keep your head up girl, start going out on your own meet people . I believe that there are people meant for each and everyone of us. Sometimes we have to out grown friends and lovers to get to the place where we are meant to be.
You sound like a kick ass person! Don’t ever let anyone bring you down! YOU GOT THIS !!
Carol, sweetie, I totally get it! We've all been in that place before, right? You sound like you've got a big heart and all the best intentions. But let's face it, as we get older, we start to figure out who our real friends are and who won't be there for the next chapter in our lives. It sounds like it's time to set some boundaries and maybe even start fresh. You know what you deserve, so why not surround yourself with people who fill your cup as much as you fill theirs?
Now, I'm not going to sugarcoat it, starting this process isn't a walk in the park. But trust me, you'll notice the difference once you do. And hey, this applies to dating too. Remember, go where you're celebrated, not just tolerated. I'm confident that as you learn more about yourself and put yourself out there, you'll find your tribe and build a community of women who've got your back. Hang in there, sweetie! There's a rainbow waiting at the end of this storm, you just gotta believe it's there. Wishing you all the best.
So here's just a little more tough love for you. Understand that all of us live our lives in seasons. Right now their season is to be wives and when you are married, your life becomes about your family. It's not necessarily fair but it's real. Now on the other side of that coin, understand that people will only treat you the way you allow. If you allow yourself to be someone who is always available, then so be it. If you also allow yourself to be a landfill, then so be it.
You have to take some accountability for that. Be intentional about the conversations and people that you entertain. It's so, so necessary for your own peace and well-being. A true friend will never treat you that way and this doesn't mean that they don't care about you. It could simply be that that friendship has expired.
Embrace the fact that not everyone is meant to be in your life forever. Go make some new friends and forge ahead. If you're truly bothered by the way they are treating you, then speak up and express how you feel.
I know how you feel Carol. I had a friend that was all about the guy she was with and only contacted me when things went bad. That’s no friend. A friend would not want to only hang or talk when things, guy or otherwise, got bad. If she can’t be a friend through it all she’s not a friend at all.
You're right - friendships that's one sided isn't actually friendship.
Invite her out and YOU take the lead. Talk about you, wins, issues and ask for advice. Remind her of your commonalities. Let her know that marriage advice comes from married people so she should steer those conversations there. Build upon what you have built together. Don’t give up - it’s exciting to be newly married and that is number one for her right now.
Take the lead - good advice!
Hey Carol! Fellow Houstonian, current Floridian (unfortunately lol I miss Texas a lot). Anyway, your post resonated with me deeply. I have been a bridesmaid in 6 weddings. Each bride I considered a best friend at some point in my life and held the belief we would maintain that status well beyond the wedding. Of the 6, only 2 have remained.
Here to validate you that it SUCKS to be the friend who does most of the heavy lifting—aka the friend who reaches out, organizes the get togethers, puts in more of the effort. You deserve to have friends who equally pour into you and make you feel valued, appreciated, and loved. I am curious if your friends know how you truly feel. if not, are willing to hear you out? True friends will own up to their shit and be like, “my bad girl” and do better. If the get defensive, than maybe that friendship served its purpose and it’s time to move on. Hope you are able to restore your relationships or find the friends you deserve. Good luck girl.
I really love that you called out how it sucks to be the friend who does the heavy lifting. I think it's a powerful reminder to people that everyone can make things a bit more equal in friendships.
I can relate to this and love the comments in the comment section. Just off record, I'm not marrying or having kids. As the single for lifer (and honorary wing woman) in the collective, I actually look forward to being the bridesmaid instead. I realized several things.
#1. Once they get married and have kids, you're not the priority anymore. The friendship dynamics changes. They even told me "hey girl, we will still hang out and have time." Lies. Their family and kids are their #1 priority, I fall down to the bottom of the barrel. I learned not to take it personal, but a life change. I'm not expecting to hangout like we did in school. I see some people 2 to 3 times a year. I'm flexible and we connect when we can. I'm not expecting my married friends to hit the bars with me like we did in school or have the time like my fellow single friends. Sometimes, we meet at the children's museum. I'm auntie to their kids. We drink for happy hour or over zoom instead of going out. Meanwhile, when my single friends are around we roll without regulations or restrictions. I create new memories with new people. I meet people where they at.
#2. Some friendships last forever, some last for a season. Friendships are important, but once a lot of my girls got married/had kids. I stopped hearing from them as much. I also have guy crazy girlfriends, once they have their men, I barely hear from them.
#3. You got a big heart like I do. I give without expectation, and I showed up for others too much in ways they didn't show up for me in my 20s. People mistaked my kindness for weakness too much. People took advantage too much. I had to adjust and start having better boundaries. I stopped being the go to person to people I couldn't go to. I stopped pouring into cups of people who didn't pour into mine. One day I woke up different and said enough. I'm in a hermit mode nowadays. I enjoy my alone time and solitude. I'm very picky on who I let in my peaceful sanctuary. My health, my purposes, and my path is number 1. I'm responsible for my own healing and destiny. I dictate my own joy, not other people. I stopped reaching out to a lot of people just to see if they would reach out to me. It didn't happen. I assumed they didn't care about me or the friendship anymore. I cut out a lot of toxic dynamics. I have to be honest, I'm the only child. I enjoy my alone time more than hanging out with people nowadays. I'm not the jealous type and I'm not into drama. When it boils down to it, I rather be on my own than hang out people that's not good for me or my well being. I refuse to be a doormat, and when I see that someone is not putting in the same effort, I let the boat sink. I'm done with doing the heavy lifting. When I care, I do. When I don't, I don't. It's curtains.
#4. I'm on a different path than a lot of my peers I went to school with. I'm an entrepreneur and I'm taking the road less traveled. People in my old school circles can't square the old me with the new me. I'm forging a path that a lot of my peers don't recognize. The resentment and silent treatment has been real. And a lot of people stopped being in touch when I had successes and they realized I didn't want the same things as them. As more and more of my peeps get married and have kids, I know I'll just have to add in more single friends, point blank.
#5. I had to cut my losses, start over and find new friends. I've also had a lot of friends pass away from the ages of 19 to 35. Sometimes I had to find new friends because people passed away. I also had friends disappear on me after other friends passed.
#6. In my experience I learned that if people can't use you they don't want to be bothered. Bad times reveal who your true friends are. Another dynamic is I have medical issues, and lawdz people revealed themselves. I had a conversation with several of my people and said look, due to my chronic illnesses and surgeries, I might not be in touch for a bit, and to not take it personally. I learned to lower my expectations when it comes to people, because I'm the friend that doesn't stop being there, but learned that the world doesn't always return the kindness you put out. And when people are there, great! When they are not there, great!
You got this Carol!
-Your Bridemate Bestie Alesha
Alesha, wow. Thank you for all of this. #1 hit me hard. I'm a new mom and I haven't been able to be "Friend of the year" this year but some of my friends have met me where I'm at - and I appreciate it more than I can express. Thank you for sharing all of this.
Of course! I appreciate this community! Thanks for reading my story!
I am quite sad to say that’s not an out of the ordinary in relationships. Especially at the age. The entire wedding thing leads (especially w females) to an idea of change in lifestyles and along w that in my experience single women are not to be included in life. Unless trying to find a date for them or as you experienced? To hang out with when you’re considering returning to their world of being single. I am much older than you, and also sad to say it seems to continue throughout the years. I have “friends” that if in relationships or married? I never hear from. I have single friends that tend to ignore me if I’m not in “hunting mode.” Meaning going out a lot, effectively to locate single men which I don’t find necessary at the time or the money involved in going out all the time. It’s difficult to emotionally find the transition your experiencing nit without pain, I’m sorry your experiencing that. It’s about personal boundaries , if you can be there when they need you only and with understanding that if or when the marriage is back on that their presence will be as it was prior to their need for interaction? Then by all means, be there.
But if it’s too much by whatever qualifications you have in your emotional allowances? Then I say this, you need to do what’s best for you. I can almost promise you that what you describe is not going to change in your female dynamics throughout the years. But maybe not, although I don’t feel that’s going to be the situation.
Move on from those friendships, not saying to ice them out. But find friends more liking to your single status and interests. Female relationships are painful when they change. We as women tend to be all in 💯 and it’s hard when we don’t feel supported as we support. But I have found that’s how it is, other than the rare bestie who is such a fab friend their personal life never effects the bond between you. But as sad as I am to say this? Just move on from the group and find like minded friends that don’t only call when the other relationships are in trouble. Blessings to you, always! 🌲🤷♀️
Hello Carol:
I was always that friend. I was there for my friends and I never stopped being there. I parted with my best friend "forever" because she met a guy and a couple of months later she lied to me and I had to see the truth in Instagram. I recently got married and I didn't invite anyone that wasn't in contact with me. People have asked me why I didn't invite them and my response has been: you just weren't available. Then they go on to say that they would have been for a wedding. You want to know what the worst part is? I am married to a wonderful guy that makes me happy and I still get lonely. I know I still have friends in other parts of the country, but I aspire to those friends that travel to see you. Sometimes I would like to think that people forget about me when I am not in their face, that they don't look at my stories and they don't think about me. I know it's not true. I know that people that spent almost every day with me for 3 or 4 years, maybe even more, don't just forget. They choose not to reach out. If friends respond I know that they are busy. If friends ignore it or say they don't have time, that is a red flag. That friend is not necessarily lost to you yet. Talk to her about how she made you feel when the moment is right. Tell her that you want to be friends with her in the good and the bad, not just the bad. I want all of you to remember that marriages can end, but friendship doesn't have to. People forget that and when things go bad they come crawling to you for help.
Straight to the point and giving you some tough love. Your availability dims your value in the friendship department. The more you are available they will not realize the friend they have. Communication is key, it open doors to so many unspoken rooms (like the saying you just opened a can of worms) Sometimes those rooms need to be opened and aired out. I used to be that friend, sister and girlfriend that's always available. Until I decided to focus on spending my energy on me and spending time with myself and making time for me. Try thing out of my comfort zone etc. I am still single and enjoying life on my terms. So please even if you have nothing to-do when you get one of those calls from your girls, let them know you're busy with a project or something, and find something today and go do it. If they ask you follow up questions do not respond until later or the next day. That will tell them you really are busy and couldn't respond back immediately. Most people might not approve of this, but it worked for me. In all my friends that are now living in different parts of my country they're one that always checks up on me from time to time and I do the same. We sometimes just send a simple text to one another say "I love you". It basically means I am busy these days, but I do think of you every now and then. In all the friends I had, I now know who that true friend was in the group. Wish you all the best in your decisions Carol. Take care. You will be a bride to the one you are meant to be with soon.
Gina - I LOVE this!! We sometimes just send a simple text to one another say "I love you". It basically means I am busy these days, but I do think of you every now and then. I
It’s breaks my heart that women can’t have real meaningful friendships anymore. Iv been blessed with a handful of friends that I know will always have my back. Even though life changed and I don’t talk to them all the time, we all still try to make time for each other . A true friend ship is never one sided and you deserve better. Keep your head up girl, start going out on your own meet people . I believe that there are people meant for each and everyone of us. Sometimes we have to out grown friends and lovers to get to the place where we are meant to be.
You sound like a kick ass person! Don’t ever let anyone bring you down! YOU GOT THIS !!
"A true friend ship is never one sided and you deserve better." - Great advice.
Carol, sweetie, I totally get it! We've all been in that place before, right? You sound like you've got a big heart and all the best intentions. But let's face it, as we get older, we start to figure out who our real friends are and who won't be there for the next chapter in our lives. It sounds like it's time to set some boundaries and maybe even start fresh. You know what you deserve, so why not surround yourself with people who fill your cup as much as you fill theirs?
Now, I'm not going to sugarcoat it, starting this process isn't a walk in the park. But trust me, you'll notice the difference once you do. And hey, this applies to dating too. Remember, go where you're celebrated, not just tolerated. I'm confident that as you learn more about yourself and put yourself out there, you'll find your tribe and build a community of women who've got your back. Hang in there, sweetie! There's a rainbow waiting at the end of this storm, you just gotta believe it's there. Wishing you all the best.
With love always,
Your bridesmaid bestie (Keisha) ♥️
Keisha, you are the sweetest with your advice.