Saying no prenup is ridiculous considering the state in which you get your marriage license has a default prenup that applies to you. You don't get to waive away the state's default prenup, you can only put another one in place. You claim to not have time for things like therapy because you're busy with other important wedding details, when none of them matter as much as literal legal documentation and an investment in your mental health. It sounds like you have a problem with prioritization. Definitely go to therapy once it's convenient for you.
You can get married if you are ready for the emotional pain that comes with knowing that you are doomed to separate. My advice is don't go through with the legal marriage. If he pushes you to do it, you are better served not getting married. Being legally married can boost happiness during the honeymoon phase, but next time things are bad it will be worse.
Divorce would be EXPONENTIALLY more expensive than backing out now. This is financial cost, emotional and mental cost (how much therapy will you need later and how much will that cost), physical cost (how will this impact your health, what would be the longer reaching impacts), on your other relationships / family.
Imagine the full depth and breadth of what is lost in divorce. Are you prepared to sacrifice your emotional, mental, and physical health? Have you spoken with any divorced people about the REAL costs?
This sounds to me like the comma rule, when in doubt, leave it out. If you are considering divorce as a possibility as your schedule ticks down to wedding day........it sounds like 'get out' NOW.
Questions:
1. You said that you fight constantly, but then enquired if there might be possibility that the fighting would magically stop when there is no more wedding planning to do.
Do you fight constantly since the beginning of the relationship hence your fiancé's assertion that that is "just your love language" (sounds utterly mad to me), or has the fighting only been since the wedding planning began?
2. You obviously are not ok with constant conflict. I share your aversion. Are you prepared to spend the next however many years fighting constantly until you give up and have to have an expensive divorce?
3. Consider writing a list to yourself of three columns; Column 1: WHY (getting married to this man) Column 2: Who other than you has an investment in you getting married Column 3: Why does that other person(s) have an investment in you getting married.
4. What is your investment in getting married - -is it because you have already been together for a length of time and it is convenient?
5. I am alone and I don't like it, but I STILL would not get married just for the sake of not being alone. That is just not enough.
6. Who 'wins' most of your fights? If it is he who is the 'winner', are you prepared to do that dance for the next N years?
I completely agree, also there is the stigma about divorced women being damaged goods you now have to overcome in any relationship you go into in the future, on top of all the other costs, this may be the worst.
It is utter misogyny to proliferate the idea that a woman is "damaged goods" no matter WHAT her life experience. My comments are entirely dedicated to supporting her in hopefully saving herself years of hurt and loss. My reference to other relationships / family was regarding simply the complexities and unpredictable ways that divorce impacts people's lives. Hence my enquiry as to whether she has spoken with divorced people about their experience.
I'm sorry Sandy. I can share far too many awful experiences of my own. I choose my words with extreme care because of those experiences. The language has to change globally. When the language that is used is changed, the beliefs shift, the behaviours change.
Men will never stop believing that women are just body parts designed for their pleasure and amusement, nor will they stop believing that they are the directors and deciders of what happens to our bodies, UNTIL we force the language to change drastically, and we force drastic change by refusal and resistance to participate in these oppression misogyny paradigms.
Many women have betrayed us by perpetuating the behaviours.
We are still labouring under the misogyny and domination of a century past.
GET A PRENUP!!!!! Even if it's just a standard template. There is no way to come out of a divorce on top and without losing a significant amount of money without a prenup. Take it from someone who has been divorced and worked in divorce law. You may fix things, you may not . . . but there is no point in setting yourself up for failure.
Keep your financial accounts separate. Only create a shared account for this like housing, utilities, groceries. Don't put both names on any loans (car, house, credit cards), even if your state considers it marital property it's still easier if you don't have to sell/refi and gives you a stronger claim to the item.
I'm all for no wedding, officially call it off but still have a toned down party for your local people to make some use of the reservations. I don't know you though, I understand wanting to go through with it. I had resigned myself to that with my ex-fiance but thankfully covid hit and helped blow emotions up enough for me to quickly leave and cancel (wedding was still months away though, only paid a small location deposit). I don't think your idea of not signing the legal docs is a good compromise and get into individual and couples therapy ASAP. I know this was posted a while back, so I hope whatever you chose/choose came with clarity and peace.
If you would like support from a third party that is not invested in the relationship visit www.alexandrawellnesscoaching.com to book a session with me.
Saying no prenup is ridiculous considering the state in which you get your marriage license has a default prenup that applies to you. You don't get to waive away the state's default prenup, you can only put another one in place. You claim to not have time for things like therapy because you're busy with other important wedding details, when none of them matter as much as literal legal documentation and an investment in your mental health. It sounds like you have a problem with prioritization. Definitely go to therapy once it's convenient for you.
You can get married if you are ready for the emotional pain that comes with knowing that you are doomed to separate. My advice is don't go through with the legal marriage. If he pushes you to do it, you are better served not getting married. Being legally married can boost happiness during the honeymoon phase, but next time things are bad it will be worse.
Dear S,
Divorce would be EXPONENTIALLY more expensive than backing out now. This is financial cost, emotional and mental cost (how much therapy will you need later and how much will that cost), physical cost (how will this impact your health, what would be the longer reaching impacts), on your other relationships / family.
Imagine the full depth and breadth of what is lost in divorce. Are you prepared to sacrifice your emotional, mental, and physical health? Have you spoken with any divorced people about the REAL costs?
This sounds to me like the comma rule, when in doubt, leave it out. If you are considering divorce as a possibility as your schedule ticks down to wedding day........it sounds like 'get out' NOW.
Questions:
1. You said that you fight constantly, but then enquired if there might be possibility that the fighting would magically stop when there is no more wedding planning to do.
Do you fight constantly since the beginning of the relationship hence your fiancé's assertion that that is "just your love language" (sounds utterly mad to me), or has the fighting only been since the wedding planning began?
2. You obviously are not ok with constant conflict. I share your aversion. Are you prepared to spend the next however many years fighting constantly until you give up and have to have an expensive divorce?
3. Consider writing a list to yourself of three columns; Column 1: WHY (getting married to this man) Column 2: Who other than you has an investment in you getting married Column 3: Why does that other person(s) have an investment in you getting married.
4. What is your investment in getting married - -is it because you have already been together for a length of time and it is convenient?
5. I am alone and I don't like it, but I STILL would not get married just for the sake of not being alone. That is just not enough.
6. Who 'wins' most of your fights? If it is he who is the 'winner', are you prepared to do that dance for the next N years?
-Eva
I completely agree, also there is the stigma about divorced women being damaged goods you now have to overcome in any relationship you go into in the future, on top of all the other costs, this may be the worst.
It is utter misogyny to proliferate the idea that a woman is "damaged goods" no matter WHAT her life experience. My comments are entirely dedicated to supporting her in hopefully saving herself years of hurt and loss. My reference to other relationships / family was regarding simply the complexities and unpredictable ways that divorce impacts people's lives. Hence my enquiry as to whether she has spoken with divorced people about their experience.
I agree, but as a divorced woman, it is a stigma I have faced.
I'm sorry Sandy. I can share far too many awful experiences of my own. I choose my words with extreme care because of those experiences. The language has to change globally. When the language that is used is changed, the beliefs shift, the behaviours change.
Men will never stop believing that women are just body parts designed for their pleasure and amusement, nor will they stop believing that they are the directors and deciders of what happens to our bodies, UNTIL we force the language to change drastically, and we force drastic change by refusal and resistance to participate in these oppression misogyny paradigms.
Many women have betrayed us by perpetuating the behaviours.
We are still labouring under the misogyny and domination of a century past.
SMH.
GET A PRENUP!!!!! Even if it's just a standard template. There is no way to come out of a divorce on top and without losing a significant amount of money without a prenup. Take it from someone who has been divorced and worked in divorce law. You may fix things, you may not . . . but there is no point in setting yourself up for failure.
Keep your financial accounts separate. Only create a shared account for this like housing, utilities, groceries. Don't put both names on any loans (car, house, credit cards), even if your state considers it marital property it's still easier if you don't have to sell/refi and gives you a stronger claim to the item.
I'm all for no wedding, officially call it off but still have a toned down party for your local people to make some use of the reservations. I don't know you though, I understand wanting to go through with it. I had resigned myself to that with my ex-fiance but thankfully covid hit and helped blow emotions up enough for me to quickly leave and cancel (wedding was still months away though, only paid a small location deposit). I don't think your idea of not signing the legal docs is a good compromise and get into individual and couples therapy ASAP. I know this was posted a while back, so I hope whatever you chose/choose came with clarity and peace.
If you would like support from a third party that is not invested in the relationship visit www.alexandrawellnesscoaching.com to book a session with me.