IDK but this sounds like some red flags on both of their parts. The flag that he's so persistent about her being at the wedding. The flag that the bride-to-be is so uncomfortable. It seems to me that her gut is speaking to her, and she's ignoring it. At the end of the day, we can't be everything to our partners nor can they be everything to us. At the core, I believe that you can be friends with an ex but most times it's because you have unexpressed feelings or an unhealthy attachment to one another.
I feel your angst, and my stomach is turning over with you.
It feels like you are trying to force yourself to stretch in a way that has never been accessible to you. Your gut just will not budge. Completely understandable.
I am a strong supporter of listen-to-your-gut. If something inside you is having a riot, it needs to be regarded seriously.
How about the starting point - try this as your starting point;
1. This ultimately resolves to something that is missing in your relationship. There is something that is lacking for you.
2. If you absolutely had no doubts about your fiancé, she wouldn't really be on your radar probably. Would you say that to be true?
3. You mentioned that you have often made jokes (which I get were really not funny to you), that one day he might realize that she 'got away'. This is indicative of a deep sense of mistrust/insecurity that you are feeling about your fiancé.
4. It sounds like your fiancé has disregarded/dismissed your feelings about this - - he has not given you the acknowledgement as to the seriousness of this.
5. How would your fiancé feel if you invited one of your prior loves to your wedding? I sense that you would never dream of doing that because it would NOT go over well at all. This may be at the heart of what is amiss with you and your fiancé.
6. Ultimately, I see this as an issue to look at with your potential partner, as it isn't really about her at all. She is just a component - - anything could be a wedge that reflects what needs attention.
7. How do you feel about both of you sitting with a counselor about this? If your fiancé loves you as he should, he will take this seriously, take your feelings seriously, not leave you out there 'alone' doing what he wants even though he knows that it makes you uncomfortable.
If he loves you as he should, he will welcome doing whatever is needed to make sure that you both are truly happy, stable, and feel fully heard in your partnership.
8. It sounds like he sort of shamed you a bit about your feelings, hence your pain now.
You deserve to be FULLY loved and acknowledged as a WHOLE HUMAN. Your feelings are valid. I want you to feel complete liberty and joy on your wedding.
This scenario poison for you - - I feel it in your writing.
Love yourself and do not accept less than the highest regard from the person who is supposed to be your partner for life.
As a partnership, any issue is a joint concern - not 'yours' or 'his'. That is the definition of partnership.
If he is unable to show up for you as you need now, (from your description it sounds as if he is foisting the emotional burden all on you and doing no work about this - - it is YOUR problem, not a problem for BOTH of you), what happens when greater challenges present?
Thank you Jen, I am an empath, artist, creator, and published author, and I speak from love.
My first book is focused on my life overrun with Covert Malignant Narcissist Sociopaths. It was dehumanizing, terrifying, and treacherous, and I almost didn't get out alive, but I finally managed to extricate myself.
It was after the last one that I learned what this type of individual is. I learned that they imprison and destroy people while saying that they "love".
I learned the science and the terminology.
I endeavour to support others sharing what I have that can heal.
While I think its hard to say for their situation, I can share my experience with an ex I dated for 10 years that I have remained friends with since our breakup 4 years ago. We got together in college and we were never really a good fit for each other romantically, but, we did have a lot of life experiences together and we shared 2 dogs together that we shared "custody" of. A lot of people think its very strange, but, I honestly forgot half the time we were together so long. We are both with other people and we meet each others new significant others (mostly when seeing the dogs) and its very amicable. His friendship is important to me because honestly, that's really what our relationship was, was a friendship that we appreciated once we weren't living together any more. We are able to call each other out if the other asks for an opinion and he's one of the most honest friends I have. There are absolutely no romantic feelings for either of us anymore. So it's really hard to say, it sounds to me that they may have a similar situation and truly are just friends. And while I see the point that him saying it's petty and not considering your feelings, I think anyone would feel the same way if anyone said your good friend couldn't come to your wedding.
I agree. At some point, you have to grow up and learn to be civil with people. It’s his day just as much as hers. Seven years is almost a decade and she’s married as well. Just because she’s an ex doesn’t mean she’s a problem, OP seems a little petty and insecure.
It doesn’t matter how long they’ve been out of the relationship they previously had and are now with other people, it’s about boundaries and respect. How would you feel if someone was overstepping a boundary that was triggering to you? It wouldn’t feel good. I’m sure its the same for her. Her intuition Is literally speaking to her and letting her know that something is not right and your saying she’s petty and insecure is crazy.
First and foremost, I salute to you for dealing with your partner and his ex. I’m a strong believer of ex’s can’t be friends because there were feelings involved prior and you will never truly know their current intentions regarding their “friendship” and Words can only stretch so far. It should be a firm no about his ex coming to your wedding. And for him to just dismiss how you feel and to some of these people in these comments calling you insecure is super insulting. It’s about respect, and boundaries. Let him know exactly how you feel, how unsettled it’s making you feel and set a firm boundary with him about his ex. If he don’t listen he’s not the one for you simple as that.
So his ex's feelings are more important to him than yours? Nope. I feel like it was doomed the moment he said you were being unreasonable. Also red flag that she is not making an effort to be friends with you since she's such good friends with your fiancé. How come you and her aren't closer? Why doesn't he encourage you and her to be friends? Unless they are hiding something
I agree that the friend should have been making effort to connect - if I were the ex, I would absolutely be making that effort - - as I would also be careful to check with my friend about how he is handling it with his new partner. I wouldn't babysit, but I would be sure to do all that I could to contribute to a healthy dynamic, foster confidence, not mistrust.
I’m not close with my oldest best friend’s wife. The relationship is between him and her, not her and his spouse. I think you’re reading into that too much. It’s normal to keep friendships separate.
I don't think I am. it's a person that your partner use to fuck. And yes trust is a big factor, however your partner also needs to be mindful regardless if she is feeling insecure or anyway about the situation. She made it obvious with how uncomfy she was feeling saying silly comments about how he will realize he should be with the ex.
IDK but this sounds like some red flags on both of their parts. The flag that he's so persistent about her being at the wedding. The flag that the bride-to-be is so uncomfortable. It seems to me that her gut is speaking to her, and she's ignoring it. At the end of the day, we can't be everything to our partners nor can they be everything to us. At the core, I believe that you can be friends with an ex but most times it's because you have unexpressed feelings or an unhealthy attachment to one another.
Dear Erin,
I feel your angst, and my stomach is turning over with you.
It feels like you are trying to force yourself to stretch in a way that has never been accessible to you. Your gut just will not budge. Completely understandable.
I am a strong supporter of listen-to-your-gut. If something inside you is having a riot, it needs to be regarded seriously.
How about the starting point - try this as your starting point;
1. This ultimately resolves to something that is missing in your relationship. There is something that is lacking for you.
2. If you absolutely had no doubts about your fiancé, she wouldn't really be on your radar probably. Would you say that to be true?
3. You mentioned that you have often made jokes (which I get were really not funny to you), that one day he might realize that she 'got away'. This is indicative of a deep sense of mistrust/insecurity that you are feeling about your fiancé.
4. It sounds like your fiancé has disregarded/dismissed your feelings about this - - he has not given you the acknowledgement as to the seriousness of this.
5. How would your fiancé feel if you invited one of your prior loves to your wedding? I sense that you would never dream of doing that because it would NOT go over well at all. This may be at the heart of what is amiss with you and your fiancé.
6. Ultimately, I see this as an issue to look at with your potential partner, as it isn't really about her at all. She is just a component - - anything could be a wedge that reflects what needs attention.
7. How do you feel about both of you sitting with a counselor about this? If your fiancé loves you as he should, he will take this seriously, take your feelings seriously, not leave you out there 'alone' doing what he wants even though he knows that it makes you uncomfortable.
If he loves you as he should, he will welcome doing whatever is needed to make sure that you both are truly happy, stable, and feel fully heard in your partnership.
8. It sounds like he sort of shamed you a bit about your feelings, hence your pain now.
You deserve to be FULLY loved and acknowledged as a WHOLE HUMAN. Your feelings are valid. I want you to feel complete liberty and joy on your wedding.
This scenario poison for you - - I feel it in your writing.
Love yourself and do not accept less than the highest regard from the person who is supposed to be your partner for life.
As a partnership, any issue is a joint concern - not 'yours' or 'his'. That is the definition of partnership.
If he is unable to show up for you as you need now, (from your description it sounds as if he is foisting the emotional burden all on you and doing no work about this - - it is YOUR problem, not a problem for BOTH of you), what happens when greater challenges present?
I tremble to imagine.
Love,
Eva
You're so good at giving advice!
Thank you Jen, I am an empath, artist, creator, and published author, and I speak from love.
My first book is focused on my life overrun with Covert Malignant Narcissist Sociopaths. It was dehumanizing, terrifying, and treacherous, and I almost didn't get out alive, but I finally managed to extricate myself.
It was after the last one that I learned what this type of individual is. I learned that they imprison and destroy people while saying that they "love".
I learned the science and the terminology.
I endeavour to support others sharing what I have that can heal.
"Finally Free" on Amazon; https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0C6VYZB6J?ref_=cm_sw_r_cp_ud_dp_NWZBBV6WKCQRB0221147&skipTwisterOG=1
While I think its hard to say for their situation, I can share my experience with an ex I dated for 10 years that I have remained friends with since our breakup 4 years ago. We got together in college and we were never really a good fit for each other romantically, but, we did have a lot of life experiences together and we shared 2 dogs together that we shared "custody" of. A lot of people think its very strange, but, I honestly forgot half the time we were together so long. We are both with other people and we meet each others new significant others (mostly when seeing the dogs) and its very amicable. His friendship is important to me because honestly, that's really what our relationship was, was a friendship that we appreciated once we weren't living together any more. We are able to call each other out if the other asks for an opinion and he's one of the most honest friends I have. There are absolutely no romantic feelings for either of us anymore. So it's really hard to say, it sounds to me that they may have a similar situation and truly are just friends. And while I see the point that him saying it's petty and not considering your feelings, I think anyone would feel the same way if anyone said your good friend couldn't come to your wedding.
I agree. At some point, you have to grow up and learn to be civil with people. It’s his day just as much as hers. Seven years is almost a decade and she’s married as well. Just because she’s an ex doesn’t mean she’s a problem, OP seems a little petty and insecure.
It doesn’t matter how long they’ve been out of the relationship they previously had and are now with other people, it’s about boundaries and respect. How would you feel if someone was overstepping a boundary that was triggering to you? It wouldn’t feel good. I’m sure its the same for her. Her intuition Is literally speaking to her and letting her know that something is not right and your saying she’s petty and insecure is crazy.
Your experience is yours. This is hers. Simple.
First and foremost, I salute to you for dealing with your partner and his ex. I’m a strong believer of ex’s can’t be friends because there were feelings involved prior and you will never truly know their current intentions regarding their “friendship” and Words can only stretch so far. It should be a firm no about his ex coming to your wedding. And for him to just dismiss how you feel and to some of these people in these comments calling you insecure is super insulting. It’s about respect, and boundaries. Let him know exactly how you feel, how unsettled it’s making you feel and set a firm boundary with him about his ex. If he don’t listen he’s not the one for you simple as that.
So his ex's feelings are more important to him than yours? Nope. I feel like it was doomed the moment he said you were being unreasonable. Also red flag that she is not making an effort to be friends with you since she's such good friends with your fiancé. How come you and her aren't closer? Why doesn't he encourage you and her to be friends? Unless they are hiding something
I agree that the friend should have been making effort to connect - if I were the ex, I would absolutely be making that effort - - as I would also be careful to check with my friend about how he is handling it with his new partner. I wouldn't babysit, but I would be sure to do all that I could to contribute to a healthy dynamic, foster confidence, not mistrust.
I’m not close with my oldest best friend’s wife. The relationship is between him and her, not her and his spouse. I think you’re reading into that too much. It’s normal to keep friendships separate.
I don't think I am. it's a person that your partner use to fuck. And yes trust is a big factor, however your partner also needs to be mindful regardless if she is feeling insecure or anyway about the situation. She made it obvious with how uncomfy she was feeling saying silly comments about how he will realize he should be with the ex.
She should still be good friends with is ex.