🤦‍♀️ He wants to invite his ex

1-800-Bridesmaid

Oct 30, 2024

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This week: A bride doesn’t want her fiance to invite his ex to the wedding. But he wants to.

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Dear 1-800-Bridesmaid,

I am six months away from my wedding and dealing with what feels like a ticking time bomb. My fiancé wants to invite his ex-girlfriend to our wedding, and I'm torn between wanting to be the "cool, understanding fiancée" and listening to my gut that's screaming "absolutely not."

Some background: They dated for three years and broke up seven years ago. They've maintained what he calls a "healthy friendship" ever since. They meet up a few times a year for coffee or lunch, usually with their spouses present (yes, she's married too), and they text regularly about work and life updates. She's successful, kind, and by all accounts, a decent person. She's never been anything but nice to me, though we're not exactly friends ourselves.

Here's the thing: Even though there's no obvious reason to object, I've never been completely comfortable with their friendship. I've made half-joking comments about being worried he'll realize she was "the one that got away," which he always laughs off like I'm being ridiculous. But am I? The thought of her being at our wedding makes my stomach churn.

I know they're just friends now. I know it's been seven years. I know she's happily married. But something about having an ex watching us exchange vows feels wrong. I can't shake the feeling that it'll bring some sort of negative energy to our day. Call it superstition, call it insecurity, but the idea of looking out at our guests during our first dance and seeing her face in the crowd makes me want to cry.

My fiancé says I'm being unreasonable and that excluding her would be petty since they're good friends now. He argues that the past is the past, and that not inviting her would make things awkward in their friend group. But isn't your wedding day the one day you get to be a little selfish about who's there?

Please help me figure out how to handle this. Am I being unreasonable? How do I express my feelings without coming across as controlling? And most importantly, am I wrong for wanting to put my foot down about this?

Thank you,

Erin

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The Currency Curator

The GenX Gazette

Oct 30Liked by Jen Glantz

IDK but this sounds like some red flags on both of their parts. The flag that he's so persistent about her being at the wedding. The flag that the bride-to-be is so uncomfortable. It seems to me that her gut is speaking to her, and she's ignoring it. At the end of the day, we can't be everything to our partners nor can they be everything to us. At the core, I believe that you can be friends with an ex but most times it's because you have unexpressed feelings or an unhealthy attachment to one another.

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evaeva

evaeva’s Substack

Oct 30·edited Oct 30Liked by Jen Glantz

Dear Erin,

I feel your angst, and my stomach is turning over with you.

It feels like you are trying to force yourself to stretch in a way that has never been accessible to you. Your gut just will not budge. Completely understandable.

I am a strong supporter of listen-to-your-gut. If something inside you is having a riot, it needs to be regarded seriously.

How about the starting point - try this as your starting point;

1. This ultimately resolves to something that is missing in your relationship. There is something that is lacking for you.

2. If you absolutely had no doubts about your fiancé, she wouldn't really be on your radar probably. Would you say that to be true?

3. You mentioned that you have often made jokes (which I get were really not funny to you), that one day he might realize that she 'got away'. This is indicative of a deep sense of mistrust/insecurity that you are feeling about your fiancé.

4. It sounds like your fiancé has disregarded/dismissed your feelings about this - - he has not given you the acknowledgement as to the seriousness of this.

5. How would your fiancé feel if you invited one of your prior loves to your wedding? I sense that you would never dream of doing that because it would NOT go over well at all. This may be at the heart of what is amiss with you and your fiancé.

6. Ultimately, I see this as an issue to look at with your potential partner, as it isn't really about her at all. She is just a component - - anything could be a wedge that reflects what needs attention.

7. How do you feel about both of you sitting with a counselor about this? If your fiancé loves you as he should, he will take this seriously, take your feelings seriously, not leave you out there 'alone' doing what he wants even though he knows that it makes you uncomfortable.

If he loves you as he should, he will welcome doing whatever is needed to make sure that you both are truly happy, stable, and feel fully heard in your partnership.

8. It sounds like he sort of shamed you a bit about your feelings, hence your pain now.

You deserve to be FULLY loved and acknowledged as a WHOLE HUMAN. Your feelings are valid. I want you to feel complete liberty and joy on your wedding.

This scenario poison for you - - I feel it in your writing.

Love yourself and do not accept less than the highest regard from the person who is supposed to be your partner for life.

As a partnership, any issue is a joint concern - not 'yours' or 'his'. That is the definition of partnership.

If he is unable to show up for you as you need now, (from your description it sounds as if he is foisting the emotional burden all on you and doing no work about this - - it is YOUR problem, not a problem for BOTH of you), what happens when greater challenges present?

🤦‍♀️ He wants to invite his ex

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