🤦♀️ He wants to invite his ex
1-800-Bridesmaid
📞 Hello? Hi. It’s me, Jen Glantz. Welcome to the 1-800-Bridesmaid, by Bridesmaid for Hire. A place where real stories are shared and your best advice is given.
This week: A bride doesn’t want her fiance to invite his ex to the wedding. But he wants to.
Last week: A bride was still unsure whether she should get married because she believes it will end in divorce. Here’s what you told her to do.
Hold please:
Ps. Looking for a fun gift to give this season? The Newlywed Card Game is back in stock on our website (buy one, get one 50% off) or available on Amazon!
Dear 1-800-Bridesmaid,
I am six months away from my wedding and dealing with what feels like a ticking time bomb. My fiancé wants to invite his ex-girlfriend to our wedding, and I'm torn between wanting to be the "cool, understanding fiancée" and listening to my gut that's screaming "absolutely not."
Some background: They dated for three years and broke up seven years ago. They've maintained what he calls a "healthy friendship" ever since. They meet up a few times a year for coffee or lunch, usually with their spouses present (yes, she's married too), and they text regularly about work and life updates. She's successful, kind, and by all accounts, a decent person. She's never been anything but nice to me, though we're not exactly friends ourselves.
Here's the thing: Even though there's no obvious reason to object, I've never been completely comfortable with their friendship. I've made half-joking comments about being worried he'll realize she was "the one that got away," which he always laughs off like I'm being ridiculous. But am I? The thought of her being at our wedding makes my stomach churn.
I know they're just friends now. I know it's been seven years. I know she's happily married. But something about having an ex watching us exchange vows feels wrong. I can't shake the feeling that it'll bring some sort of negative energy to our day. Call it superstition, call it insecurity, but the idea of looking out at our guests during our first dance and seeing her face in the crowd makes me want to cry.
My fiancé says I'm being unreasonable and that excluding her would be petty since they're good friends now. He argues that the past is the past, and that not inviting her would make things awkward in their friend group. But isn't your wedding day the one day you get to be a little selfish about who's there?
Please help me figure out how to handle this. Am I being unreasonable? How do I express my feelings without coming across as controlling? And most importantly, am I wrong for wanting to put my foot down about this?
Thank you,
Erin
Let’s help Erin. You can share advice here:
Or vote here:
💗 A Few Things I’m Loving:
Personalized Jewelry Case: A great last-minute gift to pick up for someone that’s under $20.
Gel Undereye Patches: A great gift to keep handy for a girl’s night, bachelorette party, or just get together. I hand these out as if they are mints at the end of the night.
Stanley Cup: Perfect for a bridesmaid gift (or this dupes) and accessorize them with these items.
Confetti Balm: Fun gift for friends, or something to treat yourself with.
Name Bracelets: Great gift for a group of friends.
Heart-shaped Waffle Maker: For the friend who loves homemade brunch.
Homesick Candles: My go-to candle brand.
Heart Drop Earrings: For a friend, or for yourself. I’ve been eyeing these, and they are on sale!
Uncommon Goods: If you’re looking for a gift for the couple that is more uncommon.
Ps. Looking for a fun gift to give this season? The Newlywed Card Game is back in stock on our website (buy one, get one 50% off) or available on Amazon!
What’s new with Bridesmaid for Hire:
Jen Glantz here! I’m so grateful you’re here. I started 1-800-Bridesmaid as a way to bring you into the world of my life as a hired bridesmaid for strangers.
If you’re wondering what I’ve been up to lately, here’s a little preview:
A lot of you are reaching out to see if we are still hiring. Yes, but at the moment, there aren’t any open positions. I’ll keep you posted inside the newsletter when open positions to work weddings pop up.
My team and I developed these interactive maid of honor/best man speech, wedding officiant speech, and wedding vow tools. You chat with us about the stories, details, and memories you want to include and I write the speech for you — in just a few hours. If you have a wedding coming up and need a speech, check this out. We’re expanding this month to offer wedding officiant and father of the bride/goom and mother of the bride/groom speeches.
Did you know we have a Bridesmaid for Hire book? It’s a best-seller on Amazon and it dives into how I started the business and what it’s been like to work weddings as a hired bridesmaid.
I'm Jen Glantz and this is my Bridesmaid for Hire newsletter.
If you want to stop getting emails from us, we understand. You can hit the unsubscribe button and you’ll never hear from us again.
Dear Erin,
I feel your angst, and my stomach is turning over with you.
It feels like you are trying to force yourself to stretch in a way that has never been accessible to you. Your gut just will not budge. Completely understandable.
I am a strong supporter of listen-to-your-gut. If something inside you is having a riot, it needs to be regarded seriously.
How about the starting point - try this as your starting point;
1. This ultimately resolves to something that is missing in your relationship. There is something that is lacking for you.
2. If you absolutely had no doubts about your fiancé, she wouldn't really be on your radar probably. Would you say that to be true?
3. You mentioned that you have often made jokes (which I get were really not funny to you), that one day he might realize that she 'got away'. This is indicative of a deep sense of mistrust/insecurity that you are feeling about your fiancé.
4. It sounds like your fiancé has disregarded/dismissed your feelings about this - - he has not given you the acknowledgement as to the seriousness of this.
5. How would your fiancé feel if you invited one of your prior loves to your wedding? I sense that you would never dream of doing that because it would NOT go over well at all. This may be at the heart of what is amiss with you and your fiancé.
6. Ultimately, I see this as an issue to look at with your potential partner, as it isn't really about her at all. She is just a component - - anything could be a wedge that reflects what needs attention.
7. How do you feel about both of you sitting with a counselor about this? If your fiancé loves you as he should, he will take this seriously, take your feelings seriously, not leave you out there 'alone' doing what he wants even though he knows that it makes you uncomfortable.
If he loves you as he should, he will welcome doing whatever is needed to make sure that you both are truly happy, stable, and feel fully heard in your partnership.
8. It sounds like he sort of shamed you a bit about your feelings, hence your pain now.
You deserve to be FULLY loved and acknowledged as a WHOLE HUMAN. Your feelings are valid. I want you to feel complete liberty and joy on your wedding.
This scenario poison for you - - I feel it in your writing.
Love yourself and do not accept less than the highest regard from the person who is supposed to be your partner for life.
As a partnership, any issue is a joint concern - not 'yours' or 'his'. That is the definition of partnership.
If he is unable to show up for you as you need now, (from your description it sounds as if he is foisting the emotional burden all on you and doing no work about this - - it is YOUR problem, not a problem for BOTH of you), what happens when greater challenges present?
I tremble to imagine.
Love,
Eva
First and foremost, I salute to you for dealing with your partner and his ex. I’m a strong believer of ex’s can’t be friends because there were feelings involved prior and you will never truly know their current intentions regarding their “friendship” and Words can only stretch so far. It should be a firm no about his ex coming to your wedding. And for him to just dismiss how you feel and to some of these people in these comments calling you insecure is super insulting. It’s about respect, and boundaries. Let him know exactly how you feel, how unsettled it’s making you feel and set a firm boundary with him about his ex. If he don’t listen he’s not the one for you simple as that.