Too Late to Cancel?
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This week: A bride wants to call of the wedding, maybe, because she doesnāt think itās going to work out.
Last week: A bridesmaid doesnāt want to go to her sisterās bachelorette party. Hereās what you told her to do.
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Dear 1-800-Bridesmaid,
I'm in a tough spot and need advice. My fiancƩ and I are supposed to marry in two weeks after 3 years together. To others, we seem perfect, but we have a serious problem with how we fight.
When we argue, things get ugly fast. We both say hurtful things we don't mean. I tend to yell and use harsh words, while he can be cold and dismissive. Neither of us knows how to de-escalate, and we often go to bed angry.
I hate any form of conflict and want our relationship to be perfect. When even small issues come up, I overreact. We've discussed couples therapy, but I'm not sure it'll help - I don't know if either of us can really change.
We've already paid deposits and everyone knows about the wedding. But I'm considering calling it off. Isn't canceling better than divorcing later?
The issue is, canceling now would disappoint our families and waste money. Part of me still hopes we can make it work.
I know we both have communication issues and need to work on handling conflict better. I want to improve, but I don't know how. Is there any way to fix this without canceling the wedding and upsetting everyone?
Help, please.
S.
From Jen: Argh, okay loves, this is a tough, loaded, and complicated one. But letās help S. out.
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Still wearing these every single day.
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Start therapy now. Have the wedding, don't sign the certificate and get legally married until you two are sure things will be fine. Therapy definitely CAN help
Dear S,
Perhaps one place to start is to define the parameters of WHY you should proceed forward with the wedding.
I agree with you absolutely that it is far less costly in emotional, financial, and legal capital to call it off now than to be stuck in the legal and financial quagmire of divorce, etc....
So, to the WHY would you proceed forward? - - is the basis of your relationship the financial gain/loss?
The question is not a function of judgement - - it is merely for the purpose of helping to clarify - - what do you want, what is your priority, etc....
You have made it clear that you want a happy healthy partnership with your fiance. Is that condition of happy and healthy bourne out of proceeding with the wedding?
In very practical terms - - would the condition of you being in a happy healthy supportive partnership with your fiance be a DIRECT quantifiable result of proceeding forward with the wedding (as in 1 + 1 always = 2)?
On the very ground level, marriage is a legally binding contract. The legal components are not romantic, or based upon love, or based upon building happy healthy supportive partnerships. The contract of marriage is built upon questions of money, property, legal accountability.
Perhaps you would be better to give a serious try to counseling together before you create a legally binding contract?
Perhaps - - if you make a successful run of counseling and you come out of it with a very strong partnership, if and when you get married after that, you and your fiance will be far happier and confident entering into one of the most, if not the most, legally binding agreements of your life.
On the alternate, perhaps counseling will reveal to you that, in fact, though you may have a lot of love for each other, marriage is much much more than just love, you two were not at all well suited to a lifetime bound together, and that getting married would have been a catastrophic error for you both.
Is there possibility of delay while you and your fiance take 6 months in counseling to see where it leads you?
Did your fiance propose to you? If yes, were you fighting a lot when that happened? Is there a chance that the proposal was intended to be a "fix" for the fighting? Or was the proposal a "well-we-should-already-after-three-years" sort of thing?
I heartily encourage you to force yourself to ask the uncomfortable questions now before it is too late.
I wish that I had done so on a number of occasions - I wish that I had had another me to talk to when I made big decisions that I wish I hadn't.
Love and Support,
Eva