💐 Be My Backup Bridesmaid?
1-800-Bridesmaid
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📞 Hello? Hi. It’s me, Jen Glantz. Welcome to the 1-800-Bridesmaid, by Bridesmaid for Hire. A place where real stories are shared and your best advice is given.
This week: The caller was asked to be a backup bridesmaid after someone else dropped out of the wedding party. She feels hurt. Does she say yes?
Last week: A photographer was hired by her ex-boyfriend to be a vendor for his wedding but he didn’t tell his fiance that they dated. Here’s what you told her to do.
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💐 Be My Backup Bridesmaid?
Dear 1-800-Bridesmaid,
One of my close friends from college got engaged last year. When she announced her bridesmaids, I was honestly pretty hurt not to be included. We've been friends for 8 years, went on spring break together twice, and I was even there the night she met her fiancé. But I put on my big girl pants and tried to be happy for her.
Fast forward to last week. She calls me almost in tears because one of her bridesmaids dropped out (idk the details). She asked if I would "save the day" and step in as a bridesmaid. She even said "I should have asked you in the first place" and that she had regretted not including me.
I'm not sure how to feel. Part of me is still hurt that I was essentially second string. Like, I only made the team because someone else quit. But another part of me knows she's genuinely sorry and really does want me there now.
The wedding is in 4 months. I'd need to rush order the dress ($$) and I missed all the early bridesmaid bonding stuff, including the engagement party and first dress shopping trip. They haven't had the bachelorette yet though.
I love her and want to be there for her, but I'm worried I'll feel like the odd one out or that this whole situation will just be a constant reminder that I wasn't "first pick." Am I being too sensitive? Should I just say yes and try to make the best of it?
-P.
What should P. do?
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Dear P.
I hear you expressing that this really REALLY bothers you and that you are trying to force your emotions to comply with what think you SHOULD do.
If I am wrong on that, please pardon me.
In listening to what you wrote, you did say that you love your friend, but that she deeply hurt you by her negligence.
I would probably opt out and consider the friendship over.
I am at a point in my developement that I have decided that I will not be anything other than someone's first choice, and if I am not, it is their loss. I know about myself that it would always be a thorn in my side to know that I was not the priority and that the consideration and love I would have shown my friend, was not extended to me.
If you can put yourself there emotionally, how would you feel if you did agree to be the pinch-hitter? Would it eat at you forever and be a crappy inside feeling that you would never be able to leave behind?
A year hence, would you regret NOT being a part of her wedding?
If you can imagine it, which set of emotions do you believe will be stronger?
Perhaps the most important and first question;
What do you want?
Really sit with that for a bit. Nothing about should, could. etc. Just quite simply, what do you WANT?
Is your desire to participate stronger than the creeping feeling of being the fall-back position for her?
In my experience with these types of situations, they have not played out as good for my well-being and spirit. They have been damaging and not worth my effort and generosity.
What bothers me about this situation is that your bride never communicated with you about leaving you out of this huge day in her life in all of the time prior to her desperate call to you.
If she had not had a bridesmaid drop out at the 11th hour, she is unlikely to EVER shown you enough regard and respect to ever speak with you about it.
Sure she is contrite and VERY sincere now, when she is desperate for her plan to to be rescued....
It doesn't work for me.
WhatEVER you decide, it is entirely your right and choice and we all support you completely with love and respect.
Love,
Eva
If it’s something you would enjoy doing and be a part of, do it! Don’t worry so much about other people and their choices (or mistakes), you do or don’t do it because you want to be a part of it and believe it’s something you would enjoy! Who knows, you may end up being the most fun bridesmaid, the glue for the group, do leave the negativity behind and do it for yourself and for your friend! Look forward and not backward!