I want kids. He Doesn't. Should we marry?
1-800-Bridesmaid
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This week: A caller is worried she’s making a mistake. She wants kids. Her fiance does not. Should she leave him?
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Dear 1-800-Bridesmaid,
Hi, I'm Sarah from Denver. I'm writing because my boyfriend of three years just proposed last weekend and I said yes, but I'm having serious doubts about whether we should actually go through with this marriage. Here's the problem: he absolutely does not want children, and I absolutely do.
We've talked about this before, and he's been crystal clear – no kids, ever. He says children would ruin our lifestyle, our finances, and our relationship. Meanwhile, I've always pictured myself as a mom. I love kids, I babysit my nieces and nephews every chance I get, and honestly, becoming a mother feels like the most important thing I want to do with my life.
When he proposed, I was so caught up in the moment and the beautiful ring that I said yes without thinking. But now I keep telling myself that maybe he'll change his mind once we're married. Maybe when he sees how happy kids make me, or when his friends start having babies, he'll come around. My mom keeps saying "men always change their minds about kids once they meet the right woman" and "he'll feel different when it's his own child."
But deep down, I know I'm being delusional. He's 32 years old – this isn't some young guy who hasn't thought it through. He's told me repeatedly and firmly that he doesn't want kids, and I keep hoping he'll magically transform into someone he's not.
My friends are split. Some say love conquers all and we can work it out. Others say I'm setting myself up for heartbreak and resentment. I'm terrified that if I stay, I'll spend years hoping he'll change his mind, only to wake up at 35 or 40 having missed my chance at motherhood. But I'm also terrified of walking away from someone I genuinely love over something that feels hypothetical right now.
Is wanting kids really a dealbreaker worth ending an otherwise amazing relationship? How do I know if I should trust that he might change, or if I'm just fooling myself? And if we do break up, how do I explain to everyone that we're calling off the engagement because of kids we don't even have yet?
The ring is sitting on my dresser and I don't know whether to put it back on or give it back.
Please help!
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You should have had the tough conversation on the very first date. If you really feel that very strongly about having kids, and he feels the stark opposite, that’s something you should have talked about on the first date before feelings and passion set in.
Yes, this is why I recommend always having your list handy of non-negotiables.
It’ll be an uncomfortable conversation, but you need to have the conversation.
Forget about what people will say or think. You’re the one getting married not them.
And to avoid a repeat of this going forward, have your list of your non-negotiables and be ready to walk away if you & your date are not on the same page. It’ll save you painful moments like this
Its just like Monica and Richard from Friends. She wanted kids and he didn't want anymore, so then she found her Chandler. Though, Richard is a great guy and they had a wonderful relationship like you guys, go find your Chandler and don't waste any time.