😲 She told me to lose a few pounds
1-800-Bridesmaid
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Dear 1-800-Bridesmaid,
A few days ago, I went wedding dress shopping for the first time. I invited my future MIL, but she couldn't come (thankfully, in hindsight). I felt beautiful in the dresses, took lots of photos, and was excited to share them. On my way home, she texted asking if I liked anything, so I sent her the pictures. She picked a favorite saying it looks best on me, but then added, "Plus you'll lose a few pounds so that it looks better."
I've never mentioned wanting to lose weight. I am maintaining a healthy lifestyle for health reasons, not for size. Her comment really hurt, especially since she's always been kind before. I know older generations often mean well, but having struggled with body image growing up, it felt like she was saying I wasn't pretty enough as I am. For context, I'm healthy and at a good weight for my height.
I told my fiancé. While he's always supportive and never critical of my body, I think he misunderstood and thought I was upset about needing to lose weight. He said, "Don't worry, we'll step up our gym routine and be in great shape by then."
This upset me more. It felt like he agreed I needed to lose weight. When I asked if he thought I was overweight, he said no, but stayed silent when I asked why we needed to "step up" at all.
I don't want him to confront his mom or demand an apology. I just needed him to reassure me that I don't have to lose weight to be beautiful. Instead, he unintentionally doubled down.
I'm not sure if I should push the conversation or let it go.
-Whitney
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I totally understand why you feel the way you do. As women, weight is a sensitive topic and when someone says something, it plants a seed in our head. But the part of your message that stood out the most was: “I just needed him to reassure me that I don't have to lose weight to be beautiful.” - - - You don’t want to be the woman who needs a guy to “reassure” her of her beauty. YOU need to see that for YOURSELF and believe it, first and foremost. Sure, we all want compliments but…
Most guys would just say what you want to hear and lie because they get called the devil if they speak the truth and encourage their gf or wife to lose weight.
Obviously he thinks you’re beautiful - but truth is, there’s few people in the world who wouldn’t feel and look even better by losing a few pounds. It’s just reality.
Be grateful you don’t have a guy who lies if you’re literally marrying him. I’d much rather have a guy who works out with me and encourages us to both be the best we can be than a guy who is lazy. Motivating each other is great!
I know you said you’re a “healthy” weight but if they are both saying this, maybe you’re not as healthy as you think? We often don’t see it until we look back and then we realize it was true. I was there before! And now I’m all about - yes - let’s not sugarcoat it. And I feel a million times better just dropping ten pounds! It’s amazing what a difference even 5 pounds can make.
Instead of looking at all this as the worst thing in the world, use it as a way to learn to not take things so personally. You can never lose out by taking ultimate care of yourself. Period!
This isn’t about your future MIL not being “kind” - it’s about having someone who doesn’t comfort you with lies like the majority of the population. And again, no one is saying this is about you not being beautiful. But it sounds like she said that based on knowing the two of you were WORKING OUT and that usually means people want to LOSE WEIGHT & IMPROVE. People don’t workout to stay stagnant. And I’ve never heard of a bride who didn’t mention losing a few before her wedding so it’s a very common thought for someone to have… it doesn’t mean you needed to mention it. And for example - if I have a gym routine with my fiancé… if I’m not losing or toning up, why would I even be going to the gym? To waste time? Lol. I hope you can see the common sense side of all this cause it helps take out the sting.
There’s people who are 250 pounds and still considered beautiful, but are they healthy and do they logically love themselves? No. And would they benefit from someone telling them they’re perfect the way they are, yet that same person obviously knows this person needs to lose weight? No. That’s not friends. That’s enablers and people who don’t want others to look better than they do lol.
And all you may technically need to lose is a few? Piece of cake! And if you don’t want to lose any, that’s totally your choice too. But then be confident in that and speak up for yourself if something bothers you.
And if your fiance doesn’t say anything to you if you ask him something, keep speaking until you have resolution or you will continue to have communication issues throughout this relationship and that’s not a great way to start a marriage. But that comes with being willing to accept him telling you how he truly feels. It sounds like you want a guy who will always just tell you what you want to hear.
Appreciate the REAL people in your life… we always want the “truth” until it comes to weight. That’s not a good thing.
Honestly...if your MIL has always been kind before, it's possible her comment wasn't intended to cause harm. Not saying it was okay! I totally understand the hurt behind that and the struggle with body image. That being said, there has been a stigma for quite some time around brides intentionally losing weight before their wedding. Perhaps your MIL made an incorrect assumption here? I would totally clear the air if you're close-- hopefully it was a misunderstanding!