OP - thanks for sharing. Agreeing to getting married and feeling unsure - that’s a tough spot to be in.
I agree with others who have said, Ask him how he would ameliorate your fears. I am of the mindset that while people may come clean to be honest going forward, it may also be to enjoy the freedom of getting it off their chest. So call it critical, but I don’t think one can be sure him being honest with you was 100% for you two’s benefit heading into the relationship.
But the biggest question I would have for him is, “If you knew your relationship was broken before the wedding, why did you go through with getting married?” While no answer is going to be great, some answers may shed light on more context and understanding.
The follow-up question would then be, “Next time you’re in a situation where it’s hard to speak your mind despite the huge consequences ahead, how will you say what you feel? How can I trust that you’ll do that?”
He is human and can feel hurt or defensive initially when you say that, but at the end of the day, he needs to give you the assurance you don’t have. After all, his past and him sharing it are the reasons you don’t have it.
Thank you for sharing, OP. Your share resonated deeply with me because I have been in both shoes at one point in time of my life: the cheater and the cheated on. I feel like the repercussions of cheating leaves deep scars on all parties. It also creates trust issues that can manifest in relationships, making it difficult to feel safe, vulnerable, and truly comfortable with a future partner.
That being said, your partner being upfront with you is a green flag—despite the past transgressions. He felt safe enough with you to share about his past which is HUGE. My fiancée and I disclosed all of our past relationship experiences— good, bad, messy— during our first week of hanging out. I wanted to be upfront with him about the things I went through bc it informs how I navigate relationships in the present. It was a level of vulnerability that really set the tone for our relationship.
People who have caused or experienced trauma deserve healing and love. However, that doesn’t mean you have to be the one that fixes them or joins them on that journey. If your gut is telling you something is off, I would explore if there are other red flags you may have overlooked. Talk to your partner about your fears and concerns. No one wants to feel insecure going into their wedding. If he is as lovely as you say he is, he will validate your feelings, make you feel supported, and share examples of how he is going to be a good partner. If he dismisses or gaslights you— run.
- Sounds like everything else is great about you two, except this one thing.
- Don't tell your friends/family - they won't look at him the same way again, and it'll come back to bite you.
- It's hard to find a REAL connection, someone said it happens once every 10 years.
- Tell him this: [you have moments where you panic that he’ll cheat on you after you get married]. Ask him what he intends to do, both now and in the marriage, to make those moments go away, and to make sure there's no repeat. Listen carefully to what he says.
And if you're looking for a definite answer, yes, marry him.
Thanks for sharing this OP. I resonate with this because I've been betrayed by both friends and relationships. And when it keeps happening over and over and over again, it's very hard to trust people. I definitely keep most at arms length and I'm very picky on who I let in. (My reputation as the wing woman in the collective is something I'm sticking with). After having my trust broken, and experiencing many betrayals many times, I just pulled myself from the bootstraps and cut off a lot of people. The people and the situations in question are in my rearview mirror. My peace is #1 nowadays, and I don't explain myself, I just do it.
While I don't play victim and go whoa it's me, I'm upfront and brutally honest: I can do bad by myself, and this is how I view relationships at the moment. A good thing is he was upfront with you about his past and didn't try to hide it. He hasn't cheated on you. But OP to be honest? I'm also the sort that if they did it before, they have it in them to do it again. It's like that theory of a snake can shed its skin, but it's still a snake.
It sounds like you have a nice thing going between you two and the future seems bright. But. You don't want any hesitating or dragging your feet going into your wedding day either. Several thoughts that pop up on top of my mind when reading this. (For example I have a strict girl code that I follow. If a guy dated or married any of my girls, I cannot date him. They are off-limits and there's plenty other fish in the sea.) I really like some of the other comments here, and I'm gonna piggy back off a few. Do you have the discipline to not cheat, or follow that rule book/codes that you set for yourself? You telling me this is great, but how do I know what you won't cheat on me? When you have a weak moment, what's your game plan to not go back to your old ways? I would keep the lines of communication open like you're doing.
I know how it feels to keep secrets from everyone in your life out of fear of judgement-I overshared too many times seeking trust. I've been judged and seeking help/advice from people made it 100% worst. I was better off not saying anything at all. I felt that part. But after many years, I found a friend that wouldn't judge or tell anyone. Question OP. Do you have one friend that you know for a fact that wouldn't judge you that you can share this with? Maybe not all your family and friends, but one trustworthy person? Someone that you know is loyal to you, won't use your situation in the gossip circuit, or won't use it against you in court? Like a ride or die type of friend, that would never say anything? Maybe tell that person one thing and ask for their advice. If you don't think they can keep their mouth shut, learn from my mistakes, and keep it on the downlow. The last thing you want is "cheater" being whispered as you walk down the aisle. Or people talking, and when you enter the room, they stop because you know they are talking about you.
I remember you said you have this rare connection and this has been a long journey, so you deserve the best wedding day ever and all the happiness in the world. I would mention to him the moments where you panic that he'll cheat on you after you get married. He needs to keep doing the work to show you that he will keep that cheating at bay. If he's as great as you say he is, he should have no problem hearing you out. If he ignores you or your feelings, get going and don't look back.
Your concerns and fears are very valid. And no judgement here.
Well do not think you are special. The same thing will more than likely happen to you. In the same breathe I know people change and own their mistakes. However cheating is a character issue. You saying all of this to seek justification for marrying him. Go ahead and do what you think is right. Red flags look pink from a distance. When as woman stop acting desperate, and letting societal pressures get to us we will get better
treatment from men. Until good luck with your settlement.
OP - thanks for sharing. Agreeing to getting married and feeling unsure - that’s a tough spot to be in.
I agree with others who have said, Ask him how he would ameliorate your fears. I am of the mindset that while people may come clean to be honest going forward, it may also be to enjoy the freedom of getting it off their chest. So call it critical, but I don’t think one can be sure him being honest with you was 100% for you two’s benefit heading into the relationship.
But the biggest question I would have for him is, “If you knew your relationship was broken before the wedding, why did you go through with getting married?” While no answer is going to be great, some answers may shed light on more context and understanding.
The follow-up question would then be, “Next time you’re in a situation where it’s hard to speak your mind despite the huge consequences ahead, how will you say what you feel? How can I trust that you’ll do that?”
He is human and can feel hurt or defensive initially when you say that, but at the end of the day, he needs to give you the assurance you don’t have. After all, his past and him sharing it are the reasons you don’t have it.
Thank you for suggesting these questions!
Thank you for sharing, OP. Your share resonated deeply with me because I have been in both shoes at one point in time of my life: the cheater and the cheated on. I feel like the repercussions of cheating leaves deep scars on all parties. It also creates trust issues that can manifest in relationships, making it difficult to feel safe, vulnerable, and truly comfortable with a future partner.
That being said, your partner being upfront with you is a green flag—despite the past transgressions. He felt safe enough with you to share about his past which is HUGE. My fiancée and I disclosed all of our past relationship experiences— good, bad, messy— during our first week of hanging out. I wanted to be upfront with him about the things I went through bc it informs how I navigate relationships in the present. It was a level of vulnerability that really set the tone for our relationship.
People who have caused or experienced trauma deserve healing and love. However, that doesn’t mean you have to be the one that fixes them or joins them on that journey. If your gut is telling you something is off, I would explore if there are other red flags you may have overlooked. Talk to your partner about your fears and concerns. No one wants to feel insecure going into their wedding. If he is as lovely as you say he is, he will validate your feelings, make you feel supported, and share examples of how he is going to be a good partner. If he dismisses or gaslights you— run.
Thank you for being so honest and sharing this. Vulnerability is key - especially early on in a relationship.
- Sounds like everything else is great about you two, except this one thing.
- Don't tell your friends/family - they won't look at him the same way again, and it'll come back to bite you.
- It's hard to find a REAL connection, someone said it happens once every 10 years.
- Tell him this: [you have moments where you panic that he’ll cheat on you after you get married]. Ask him what he intends to do, both now and in the marriage, to make those moments go away, and to make sure there's no repeat. Listen carefully to what he says.
And if you're looking for a definite answer, yes, marry him.
Thanks for sharing this OP. I resonate with this because I've been betrayed by both friends and relationships. And when it keeps happening over and over and over again, it's very hard to trust people. I definitely keep most at arms length and I'm very picky on who I let in. (My reputation as the wing woman in the collective is something I'm sticking with). After having my trust broken, and experiencing many betrayals many times, I just pulled myself from the bootstraps and cut off a lot of people. The people and the situations in question are in my rearview mirror. My peace is #1 nowadays, and I don't explain myself, I just do it.
While I don't play victim and go whoa it's me, I'm upfront and brutally honest: I can do bad by myself, and this is how I view relationships at the moment. A good thing is he was upfront with you about his past and didn't try to hide it. He hasn't cheated on you. But OP to be honest? I'm also the sort that if they did it before, they have it in them to do it again. It's like that theory of a snake can shed its skin, but it's still a snake.
It sounds like you have a nice thing going between you two and the future seems bright. But. You don't want any hesitating or dragging your feet going into your wedding day either. Several thoughts that pop up on top of my mind when reading this. (For example I have a strict girl code that I follow. If a guy dated or married any of my girls, I cannot date him. They are off-limits and there's plenty other fish in the sea.) I really like some of the other comments here, and I'm gonna piggy back off a few. Do you have the discipline to not cheat, or follow that rule book/codes that you set for yourself? You telling me this is great, but how do I know what you won't cheat on me? When you have a weak moment, what's your game plan to not go back to your old ways? I would keep the lines of communication open like you're doing.
I know how it feels to keep secrets from everyone in your life out of fear of judgement-I overshared too many times seeking trust. I've been judged and seeking help/advice from people made it 100% worst. I was better off not saying anything at all. I felt that part. But after many years, I found a friend that wouldn't judge or tell anyone. Question OP. Do you have one friend that you know for a fact that wouldn't judge you that you can share this with? Maybe not all your family and friends, but one trustworthy person? Someone that you know is loyal to you, won't use your situation in the gossip circuit, or won't use it against you in court? Like a ride or die type of friend, that would never say anything? Maybe tell that person one thing and ask for their advice. If you don't think they can keep their mouth shut, learn from my mistakes, and keep it on the downlow. The last thing you want is "cheater" being whispered as you walk down the aisle. Or people talking, and when you enter the room, they stop because you know they are talking about you.
I remember you said you have this rare connection and this has been a long journey, so you deserve the best wedding day ever and all the happiness in the world. I would mention to him the moments where you panic that he'll cheat on you after you get married. He needs to keep doing the work to show you that he will keep that cheating at bay. If he's as great as you say he is, he should have no problem hearing you out. If he ignores you or your feelings, get going and don't look back.
Your concerns and fears are very valid. And no judgement here.
-Your Bridesmaid Bestie Alesha
Well do not think you are special. The same thing will more than likely happen to you. In the same breathe I know people change and own their mistakes. However cheating is a character issue. You saying all of this to seek justification for marrying him. Go ahead and do what you think is right. Red flags look pink from a distance. When as woman stop acting desperate, and letting societal pressures get to us we will get better
treatment from men. Until good luck with your settlement.