💍Should I give him a second chance?
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This week: A bride shares doubt around marrying a man who does NOT look so good on paper. Nobody in her life knows about his past and she’s hoping they’ll have a different future together. She wants your advice. 👇
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💍Should I give him a second chance?
Dear 1-800-Bridesmaid,
I'm reaching out because I don't have anyone else to confide in about this. The man I am about to marry is awful on paper.
He cheated on his ex-wife a year after they got married. He said their relationship was broken broken before the wedding and it wasn’t fixable after. A few months after the wedding, he met someone else and cheated on his wife. We met five years after this entire situation went down.
I know this makes me look like an awful person. But I don’t feel like I am. I don’t feel like he is either.
When we first got together, he didn't hide any of this from me. He was upfront what happened and how he felt guilty for cheating on his wife.
I think it’s easy to judge a person in this type of situation but despite what happened, he's been nothing but kind and loving towards me for the past three years. There's been no betrayal and he hasn’t cheated on me.
I've kept his past a secret from everyone in my life. I know they’ll judge him.
They wouldn't be able to see the good in him that they’ve come to know and love. People tell me all the time how perfect he is. Imagine if they knew this?
Yes, what he did was wrong, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But does that mean he's forever unworthy of love or a second chance?
I'm 39, and my journey to find love has been filled with its own heartbreaks and disappointments. Yet, with him, I feel like I've found a rare connection.
However, I'm not blind to the situation. I have moments where I panic that he’ll cheat on me after we get married.
As our wedding approaches, I’m starting to wonder if I’m doing the right thing.
Obviously everyone in my life is SO excited for me because they don’t know this secret.
I’m not looking for your readers to judge me. I’m asking for help. How can I know he won’t repeat the past? How can I be sure that our relationship is different? Should I be more honest with my friends/family and hear what they suggest? ahh. It feels good to admit this but scary to wait for responses.
Sometimes you can’t help who you fall in love with. I happened to fall for someone who didn’t treat his ex-wife so great. Can’t we all move on and move forward?
-M.
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OP - thanks for sharing. Agreeing to getting married and feeling unsure - that’s a tough spot to be in.
I agree with others who have said, Ask him how he would ameliorate your fears. I am of the mindset that while people may come clean to be honest going forward, it may also be to enjoy the freedom of getting it off their chest. So call it critical, but I don’t think one can be sure him being honest with you was 100% for you two’s benefit heading into the relationship.
But the biggest question I would have for him is, “If you knew your relationship was broken before the wedding, why did you go through with getting married?” While no answer is going to be great, some answers may shed light on more context and understanding.
The follow-up question would then be, “Next time you’re in a situation where it’s hard to speak your mind despite the huge consequences ahead, how will you say what you feel? How can I trust that you’ll do that?”
He is human and can feel hurt or defensive initially when you say that, but at the end of the day, he needs to give you the assurance you don’t have. After all, his past and him sharing it are the reasons you don’t have it.
Thank you for sharing, OP. Your share resonated deeply with me because I have been in both shoes at one point in time of my life: the cheater and the cheated on. I feel like the repercussions of cheating leaves deep scars on all parties. It also creates trust issues that can manifest in relationships, making it difficult to feel safe, vulnerable, and truly comfortable with a future partner.
That being said, your partner being upfront with you is a green flag—despite the past transgressions. He felt safe enough with you to share about his past which is HUGE. My fiancée and I disclosed all of our past relationship experiences— good, bad, messy— during our first week of hanging out. I wanted to be upfront with him about the things I went through bc it informs how I navigate relationships in the present. It was a level of vulnerability that really set the tone for our relationship.
People who have caused or experienced trauma deserve healing and love. However, that doesn’t mean you have to be the one that fixes them or joins them on that journey. If your gut is telling you something is off, I would explore if there are other red flags you may have overlooked. Talk to your partner about your fears and concerns. No one wants to feel insecure going into their wedding. If he is as lovely as you say he is, he will validate your feelings, make you feel supported, and share examples of how he is going to be a good partner. If he dismisses or gaslights you— run.