š Hello? Hi. Itās me, Jen Glantz. Welcome to the Bridesmaid for Hire Hotline. A place where real stories are shared and your best advice is given.
This week: A friend is questioning why one of her close friends didnāt ask her to be a bridesmaid. She wonders, simply, yet sadly: whatās wrong with me? Read her story and share advice belowš
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š¤ What's wrong with me?
Dear Bridesmaid for Hire Hotline,
Iāve been super down lately and Iām starting to feel like the friend in the group who is always passed over and forgotten about.
I found out this week that one of my closest friends from childhood picked her bridal party. She asked three other people to be her bridesmaids but she didnāt include me.
Growing up, we talked about our future weddings and how weād be each others bridesmaids. My big day hasnāt happened yet but after she got engaged, I wrongfully assumed that Iād be chosen to stand by her side.
On Tuesday, I was at work and my phone buzzed. She sent a text that read:
This is so hard for me to share and itās not personal at all! I asked Serena, Carrie, and Jo to be my bridesmaids. I still hope youāll be there as part of my wedding adventure and of course as a guest. I couldnāt imagine getting married without you.
The message hit me hard. Notice how she wrote that she couldnāt imagine getting married without me but not with me by her side.
IDK, I clearly thought we were better friends than we are. Weāve been through two decades of life together. I thought we always had each otherās back.
Honestly, the whole situation made me take a closer look at our friendship. She intentionally passed on having me as a bridesmaid and the exclusion means:
That she doesnāt value our friendship as much as I do. Iād make her my maid of honor or at least a bridesmaid.
That thereās something wrong with me. Whatās wrong with me? Why doesnāt she see me as one of her best friends? I know the other girls. I feel like my bond with her is way stronger? At least weāve been friends for longer!
Feeling left out has been a real wake-up call. But what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to say? Iām so blindsided and upset by this that I donāt even want to go to the wedding.
So, here's where I could really use some advice: how do I navigate this tricky situation? Is it worth attending the wedding to preserve what we've built, or is it time to take a step back and reassess things? Any insights or thoughts you have would be incredibly helpful right now.
Professional Bridesmaids, itās time to give advice:
Want to share your advice and stories? The person who shared this is reading all the comments so leave one below:
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Ooof this post is definitely giving me big feelings. Itās never fun to feel left out or find out that a friend doesnāt value the friendship in the same way you do. I want to validate you, OP, and all your feelings because regardless of the circumstances, you were hurt by someone you cared about and navigating next steps wonāt be easy.
I do think your friend cares about you. If they didnāt, they would not have written you a note at all. They could have just made the decision and been done with it. But I am a firm believer that true friendship should allow open communication so I would encourage you to find time to talk to her and share your feelings and give the feedback of how her decision was received. Your intention should not be to change her mind but rather getting clarity on the expectations you have of your friendship in this current era of your lives. Be prepared and know that the expectations may be different now and thatās ok. Itās growth and itās what we want for ourselves too.
There are a lot of factors that go into choosing bridal parties. I do not think her choice to not include you was about you. I think it speaks more to who she is in her life and who she is vibing with right now. The promises made as kids donāt hold up as well when we are adults because we are completely different people. Hard truth is that she is not obligated to make you a bridesmaid. That doesnāt mean you arenāt allowed to feel bummed out about it. With conversation, I feel you will learn more about her decisions, all the different aspects she had to consider, and hopefully reframe what it means to be friends as the individuals you are now. The best case scenario would be being able to hear each other out and still support each other no matter what. Good luck!
I think it was really kind of her to reach out to you, unprompted, and tell you what was going on! And she did that because she still wants you to be involved in her wedding! What that message from her probably means for whatever reason, she was only choosing 3 bridesmaids and even though you arenāt one of them, she still wants you at her bridal shower, at her bachelorette party, etc! When I got married, I had 8 bridesmaids (which is too many imo lol) and still had other friends that I included in these ways! Even though they werenāt a bridesmaid, they were invited to my bridal shower and to my bachelorette party and treated no differently than the bridesmaids. Itās okay if your feelings are hurt but my honest opinion is she was being a good friend by reaching out to you in this way. If you think there truly are other issues in your friendship, itās worth considering ending the friendship and not going to the wedding. But take a beat and think about that first too!