Ooof this post is definitely giving me big feelings. It’s never fun to feel left out or find out that a friend doesn’t value the friendship in the same way you do. I want to validate you, OP, and all your feelings because regardless of the circumstances, you were hurt by someone you cared about and navigating next steps won’t be easy.
I do think your friend cares about you. If they didn’t, they would not have written you a note at all. They could have just made the decision and been done with it. But I am a firm believer that true friendship should allow open communication so I would encourage you to find time to talk to her and share your feelings and give the feedback of how her decision was received. Your intention should not be to change her mind but rather getting clarity on the expectations you have of your friendship in this current era of your lives. Be prepared and know that the expectations may be different now and that’s ok. It’s growth and it’s what we want for ourselves too.
There are a lot of factors that go into choosing bridal parties. I do not think her choice to not include you was about you. I think it speaks more to who she is in her life and who she is vibing with right now. The promises made as kids don’t hold up as well when we are adults because we are completely different people. Hard truth is that she is not obligated to make you a bridesmaid. That doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to feel bummed out about it. With conversation, I feel you will learn more about her decisions, all the different aspects she had to consider, and hopefully reframe what it means to be friends as the individuals you are now. The best case scenario would be being able to hear each other out and still support each other no matter what. Good luck!
I think it was really kind of her to reach out to you, unprompted, and tell you what was going on! And she did that because she still wants you to be involved in her wedding! What that message from her probably means for whatever reason, she was only choosing 3 bridesmaids and even though you aren’t one of them, she still wants you at her bridal shower, at her bachelorette party, etc! When I got married, I had 8 bridesmaids (which is too many imo lol) and still had other friends that I included in these ways! Even though they weren’t a bridesmaid, they were invited to my bridal shower and to my bachelorette party and treated no differently than the bridesmaids. It’s okay if your feelings are hurt but my honest opinion is she was being a good friend by reaching out to you in this way. If you think there truly are other issues in your friendship, it’s worth considering ending the friendship and not going to the wedding. But take a beat and think about that first too!
I completely agree with all of this! I would also like to add that you can still tell her how it made you feel, I know her text said it wasn’t personal but it obviously felt personal to you. I wouldn’t expect her to in turn add you as a bridesmaid, but it would clear the air and the conversation will help you decide if this is a friendship you still feel valued in. Don’t let the label of a bridesmaid or not determine your value! I also would say that when your big day does come, if you want to make her a bridesmaid you should still do it, don’t count her out just because she didn’t make you one. The details of weddings are so complicated but being there as a friend is what is most remembered.
Completely disagree. Many conversations had been shared between them regarding being bridesmaids for each other, etc.... It is not kind or caring of the friendship to send a text regarding something this momentous. It is the equivalent of being broken up with in text.
Given the history, the bride's responsibility to her 'friend', if in fact she valued her 'friend' at all, was to have a sit-down personal private conversation, acknowledging the history of their lives as friends, and explain the unexplainable - - why she would not have her as a bridesmaid when they had talked about doing just that on numerous occasions.
This bride is not a friend, and she will hurt her 'friend' some other way again if she holds on.
There is no friendship and there is nothing to regret about not attending the wedding (including that now she doesn't have to fork over the expense of a gift, travel costs, potential lodging, clothing, or any other incidentals that might pop up).
Being a guest still costs, yet is in no way the same as being a part of the wedding party.
This is most definitely a cut your losses situation.
She can be grateful that the true character of the bride has shown itself and she doesn't have to waste another milligram of her energy or time on her ever again.
I think it’s key to note that the writer says the conversations they had about being in each other’s weddings happened in childhood, they weren’t recent conversations. Should we be held to everything we spoke about when growing up?
I totally think it’s valid to be hurt and maybe a text wasn’t the best idea, but they also might not live near each other and couldn’t meet in person - in that case, a phone call would have been better. But I still think throwing away the whole friendship over this incident without further reflection and at least a conversation about it, is short sighted. But everyone has the right to their own opinion!
She is an adult and would not mention that these conversations mattered unless they did. The conversations mattered. The bride is dead wrong, and does not respect the 'friend', who clearly is not one in her estimation.
The woman said that she would always have chosen the bride to be HER MOH or at least a bridesmaid.
The woman expressed her feelings clearly. The bride had importance to her, however the bride's behaviour has shown that the 'friend' did not hold that same importance to the bride. Had the bride respected the 'friend', she would never have been so cavalier about something so important.
People who do things like this, always do things like this. The bride hurt her over something this big, and she will do it again with something else just as big.
This a cut losses situation. Get out while one can.
I had plenty of friends not pick me as their bridesmaid in their weddings, and I was totally cool with it. We talked about it and life goes on. I was still supportive of their weddings and respected their choices, because it's not about me. (But I was also picked to be a bridesmaid for quite a few, and due to the drama. I wondered what was wrong with me for wishing to be a bridesmaid for so long and going through with it). But I do want to give you the bridesmaid bestie hug, because it's no fun to be passed over, over looked and not picked. I've also had to wake up and smell the coffee. And realize that I valued some friends more than they valued me. Don't let the label "bridesmaid" determine your worth. You're still valuable, regardless if you are a bridesmaid or not.
I think her choices on picking her bridesmaid has nothing to do with you. Friendships change, and she obviously still cares for you, but has a stronger bond with the people that's currently in her life. I got to be honest. If I had a convo with my grade school peeps about putting them in my wedding, I have to re-consider...so many people have come and gone in my life, that my list would be different.
*I'm still thinking and going to finish this comment...Ok I thought about this, commercial break is over. My bad for typos. These are different perspectives.
I come from a huge family. My mom is one of 13, grandpa is one of 12 for starters. I don't really expect to be picked as a bridesmaid for any of my cousins weddings, because there ARE SO MANY OF US. Some of us don't know each other that well, we just happen to be related by blood. Some of us only see each other at family reunions and don't hang out. They already have their people that they vibe with and are close to. And I'm there to be supportive in any capacity, when and if they need me. I even had a cousin tell me that they wasn't inviting any of us to their wedding. I respected their decisions and didn't ask why I was invited or whatnot. It's human nature to want to be included and have belonging. But I also understand that they have no obligation to invite me yet alone make me a bridesmaid.
As the singleton in the collective, I'm not getting married. But I would ask people who didn't make me a bridesmaid in their wedding to be a bridesmaid in mine. (And if they didn't want to be, that's ok).
I also on the other hand felt the burn of being dropped from several friends circles because I'm on a different path than my peers. I'm staying single, not trying to marry like them. I'm an entrepreneur and YouTuber, not working the traditional hours like them. I have medical issues and chronic illnesses. I'm sometimes not available to hang out because I have pain days (the people still in my life are aware of this and don't take it personally, many people don't understand chronic illnesses and can be judgey and dismissive). For some of my friends we are no longer on the same wavelength. They don't understand me, so they stopped including me, talking to me, and inviting me. And of course I wasn't a bridesmaid. In those instances, I realized me not being invited to their weddings meant the friendship was over. I responded by sending love and bidding farewell to the friendships. Understanding the following: that my life choices makes me misunderstood by many peers and I should expect to be left out many times. You have to find ways to include yourself when the world excludes you. Finding other friends. Traveling the world. Putting my peace, my hobbies, my health and my goals as my number ones. Befriending and taking care of animals (they don't gossip and don't get jealous).
I'm happy to see that your friend reached out to you. You can talk to her and share your feelings. But moving forward you can understand that the friendship dynamic will be different. And the talks that you had as kids sadly won't be reality. Sometimes our dreams don't come true, but we can look on the bright side, and know that the things that are meant for us will come to us. Good luck, you got this!
This happened to me last year and the kicker was, a guy in the groom's party had sexually assaulted me the year prior. Even without his involvement, it caused me to rethink the friendship quite a bit and I was admittedly bitter at first as well. The best thing you can do is move on. Ultimately, I think you will regret not attending the wedding and maybe this is a good time to continue to reflect on what this friendship means to you. Me personally, I examined my other good friendships and re-prioritized. This in itself might not have even been necessary as sometimes it's a matter of family ties or the amount of people a couple can reasonably have in their wedding (i.e. it very likely isn't personal), but I am glad it gave me the opportunity to focus more on the people in my life who do show up for me. And maybe this isn't a complete exclusion. I did end up going on the bachelorette trip with my friend and our other girlfriends and had a blast! You can be involved, be a supportive friend and not have to worry about the stress of being a bridesmaid. A win-win!
Important note: there is nothing wrong with YOU <3
I would decline to attend the wedding. If she asked why before the wedding, I would tell her my reasons in a simple calm manner, with the minimum of words needed, focusing on my feelings, standards, and what works for me - without emotion and not making any demands of her that she clearly is not available for. I would peacefully end the friendship in that conversation.
If she didn't ask before the wedding, I would keep my peace, allow her to have her wedding without adding the complication of this to her concerns.
If she never asked at any point AFTER the wedding, I would take it as clarification that she clearly did not have the connection with me that I believed that we had, and I would move on.
Obviously, it would be clear at that point that it just didn't matter to her, and I won't prioritize people who don't prioritize me.
I MIGHT send her a message with a few words regarding the situation, but I mostly feel that people tell us where they are pretty directly - non-communication is a form of communication. Chasing a non-communicator always ends badly for the chaser.
I won't prioritize people who don't prioritize me. Yes. That line. I'm gonna quote you. Where was this advice when I was 10 years old? :D I really had to stop caring for people that didn't care for me in my school years. One of the hardest lessons I learned in life is just because you care for them doesn't mean you'll get that same care and kindness back. I definitely changed my boundaries and decided to become less available to people. I've been asked the question lately where you been? I mention oh I'm around living life, just decided to be less available. My peace, my health and self care are priorities nowadays.
More power to you! All love and support. You deserve all good things. I also had to learn this lesson the hard hard way (I was taught to be a doormat). It took practice (and I'm always learning and improving), to build the inside muscles of established self-respect - which is in step with self-love. Now, as part of my daily practice of being in high vibration, I look in the mirror every morning and say, "Hello Beautiful, I love you". And by beautiful I mean in all ways - - beautiful physically, beautiful spirit, heart, mind, intention.
Sending all the love and support right back at ya! Hugs! I just one day woke up different. I stopped being the go to person to the people I couldn't go to. I cut off a lot of people from my past and started over. On my end, people mistake my kindness for weakness wayyy tooo much. One of my biggest mistakes was giving people too many chances, and sticking around too long because I was thinking, hey, we all make mistakes, give people time to correct themselves. But instead of being truly sorry and correcting themselves, they used it as yet another opportunity to keep messing me and trying to slander. I'm not the jealous sort and when I see those toxic behaviors on the horizon nowadays, I send them on their merry way quickly. I see myself as the wing woman and honorary hermit in the collective. I got my people, will cheer people on, stand by their side as a bridesmaid if called up. But I'm very picky who I let in nowadays. I rather be on my own than be around people that's not good for me or my well being.
As I was reading your story, it was like I wrote it myself! Same thing just happened to me with a close friend who is getting married. Except my story goes a bit deeper. I never assumed or thought I would be in my friends wedding, as she has many friends. (did I hope I would be, sure!) I would say I am her closest oldest friend though. My friend out of the blue a month or so ago called me to tell me that she will have all siblings, hers and his in the wedding, fair enough. Along with room for 1 friend on her side. She said it came down to me and one other friend. She decided to have that friend in the wedding as a bridesmaid. A little upset but still happy for her and really just happy to be at her big day.
Well then it went one more step further. She then said, they have decided to keep the ceremony small with just about 25 of their closest family and friends. She says, "I'm sorry but you will not be invited to the ceremony, we are keeping it small and then having a reception for 250 people." I always thought I would be at her wedding seeing her get married. Never pictured this.
That day was hard, and even the week or so after. I know things like this shouldn't change a friendship but in some ways it does create a breeze that blows and can change the dynamic of the friendship for years to come. For me now, I have been reflecting on where our friendship is at, and what would my life look like if she wasn't in it as much as she is now. Yes, it is still upsetting and disappointing to not be a part of her big day like I always thought I would, but I think for me is to get rid of the vision I had and accept my own reality. At the end of the day, it is her wedding, her and his choices, I need to live with that and push through to move on because all I want for them to be is happy.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Heartbreaking from a friend perspective but at the same time, it's her decision. Do you think the friendship was forever changed because of this?
Ooof this post is definitely giving me big feelings. It’s never fun to feel left out or find out that a friend doesn’t value the friendship in the same way you do. I want to validate you, OP, and all your feelings because regardless of the circumstances, you were hurt by someone you cared about and navigating next steps won’t be easy.
I do think your friend cares about you. If they didn’t, they would not have written you a note at all. They could have just made the decision and been done with it. But I am a firm believer that true friendship should allow open communication so I would encourage you to find time to talk to her and share your feelings and give the feedback of how her decision was received. Your intention should not be to change her mind but rather getting clarity on the expectations you have of your friendship in this current era of your lives. Be prepared and know that the expectations may be different now and that’s ok. It’s growth and it’s what we want for ourselves too.
There are a lot of factors that go into choosing bridal parties. I do not think her choice to not include you was about you. I think it speaks more to who she is in her life and who she is vibing with right now. The promises made as kids don’t hold up as well when we are adults because we are completely different people. Hard truth is that she is not obligated to make you a bridesmaid. That doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to feel bummed out about it. With conversation, I feel you will learn more about her decisions, all the different aspects she had to consider, and hopefully reframe what it means to be friends as the individuals you are now. The best case scenario would be being able to hear each other out and still support each other no matter what. Good luck!
I think it was really kind of her to reach out to you, unprompted, and tell you what was going on! And she did that because she still wants you to be involved in her wedding! What that message from her probably means for whatever reason, she was only choosing 3 bridesmaids and even though you aren’t one of them, she still wants you at her bridal shower, at her bachelorette party, etc! When I got married, I had 8 bridesmaids (which is too many imo lol) and still had other friends that I included in these ways! Even though they weren’t a bridesmaid, they were invited to my bridal shower and to my bachelorette party and treated no differently than the bridesmaids. It’s okay if your feelings are hurt but my honest opinion is she was being a good friend by reaching out to you in this way. If you think there truly are other issues in your friendship, it’s worth considering ending the friendship and not going to the wedding. But take a beat and think about that first too!
I completely agree with all of this! I would also like to add that you can still tell her how it made you feel, I know her text said it wasn’t personal but it obviously felt personal to you. I wouldn’t expect her to in turn add you as a bridesmaid, but it would clear the air and the conversation will help you decide if this is a friendship you still feel valued in. Don’t let the label of a bridesmaid or not determine your value! I also would say that when your big day does come, if you want to make her a bridesmaid you should still do it, don’t count her out just because she didn’t make you one. The details of weddings are so complicated but being there as a friend is what is most remembered.
Completely disagree. Many conversations had been shared between them regarding being bridesmaids for each other, etc.... It is not kind or caring of the friendship to send a text regarding something this momentous. It is the equivalent of being broken up with in text.
Given the history, the bride's responsibility to her 'friend', if in fact she valued her 'friend' at all, was to have a sit-down personal private conversation, acknowledging the history of their lives as friends, and explain the unexplainable - - why she would not have her as a bridesmaid when they had talked about doing just that on numerous occasions.
This bride is not a friend, and she will hurt her 'friend' some other way again if she holds on.
There is no friendship and there is nothing to regret about not attending the wedding (including that now she doesn't have to fork over the expense of a gift, travel costs, potential lodging, clothing, or any other incidentals that might pop up).
Being a guest still costs, yet is in no way the same as being a part of the wedding party.
This is most definitely a cut your losses situation.
She can be grateful that the true character of the bride has shown itself and she doesn't have to waste another milligram of her energy or time on her ever again.
I think it’s key to note that the writer says the conversations they had about being in each other’s weddings happened in childhood, they weren’t recent conversations. Should we be held to everything we spoke about when growing up?
I totally think it’s valid to be hurt and maybe a text wasn’t the best idea, but they also might not live near each other and couldn’t meet in person - in that case, a phone call would have been better. But I still think throwing away the whole friendship over this incident without further reflection and at least a conversation about it, is short sighted. But everyone has the right to their own opinion!
She is an adult and would not mention that these conversations mattered unless they did. The conversations mattered. The bride is dead wrong, and does not respect the 'friend', who clearly is not one in her estimation.
The woman said that she would always have chosen the bride to be HER MOH or at least a bridesmaid.
The woman expressed her feelings clearly. The bride had importance to her, however the bride's behaviour has shown that the 'friend' did not hold that same importance to the bride. Had the bride respected the 'friend', she would never have been so cavalier about something so important.
People who do things like this, always do things like this. The bride hurt her over something this big, and she will do it again with something else just as big.
This a cut losses situation. Get out while one can.
She is worth a real friend who respects her.
I had plenty of friends not pick me as their bridesmaid in their weddings, and I was totally cool with it. We talked about it and life goes on. I was still supportive of their weddings and respected their choices, because it's not about me. (But I was also picked to be a bridesmaid for quite a few, and due to the drama. I wondered what was wrong with me for wishing to be a bridesmaid for so long and going through with it). But I do want to give you the bridesmaid bestie hug, because it's no fun to be passed over, over looked and not picked. I've also had to wake up and smell the coffee. And realize that I valued some friends more than they valued me. Don't let the label "bridesmaid" determine your worth. You're still valuable, regardless if you are a bridesmaid or not.
I think her choices on picking her bridesmaid has nothing to do with you. Friendships change, and she obviously still cares for you, but has a stronger bond with the people that's currently in her life. I got to be honest. If I had a convo with my grade school peeps about putting them in my wedding, I have to re-consider...so many people have come and gone in my life, that my list would be different.
*I'm still thinking and going to finish this comment...Ok I thought about this, commercial break is over. My bad for typos. These are different perspectives.
I come from a huge family. My mom is one of 13, grandpa is one of 12 for starters. I don't really expect to be picked as a bridesmaid for any of my cousins weddings, because there ARE SO MANY OF US. Some of us don't know each other that well, we just happen to be related by blood. Some of us only see each other at family reunions and don't hang out. They already have their people that they vibe with and are close to. And I'm there to be supportive in any capacity, when and if they need me. I even had a cousin tell me that they wasn't inviting any of us to their wedding. I respected their decisions and didn't ask why I was invited or whatnot. It's human nature to want to be included and have belonging. But I also understand that they have no obligation to invite me yet alone make me a bridesmaid.
As the singleton in the collective, I'm not getting married. But I would ask people who didn't make me a bridesmaid in their wedding to be a bridesmaid in mine. (And if they didn't want to be, that's ok).
I also on the other hand felt the burn of being dropped from several friends circles because I'm on a different path than my peers. I'm staying single, not trying to marry like them. I'm an entrepreneur and YouTuber, not working the traditional hours like them. I have medical issues and chronic illnesses. I'm sometimes not available to hang out because I have pain days (the people still in my life are aware of this and don't take it personally, many people don't understand chronic illnesses and can be judgey and dismissive). For some of my friends we are no longer on the same wavelength. They don't understand me, so they stopped including me, talking to me, and inviting me. And of course I wasn't a bridesmaid. In those instances, I realized me not being invited to their weddings meant the friendship was over. I responded by sending love and bidding farewell to the friendships. Understanding the following: that my life choices makes me misunderstood by many peers and I should expect to be left out many times. You have to find ways to include yourself when the world excludes you. Finding other friends. Traveling the world. Putting my peace, my hobbies, my health and my goals as my number ones. Befriending and taking care of animals (they don't gossip and don't get jealous).
I'm happy to see that your friend reached out to you. You can talk to her and share your feelings. But moving forward you can understand that the friendship dynamic will be different. And the talks that you had as kids sadly won't be reality. Sometimes our dreams don't come true, but we can look on the bright side, and know that the things that are meant for us will come to us. Good luck, you got this!
-Your Bridesmaid Bestie Alesha
This happened to me last year and the kicker was, a guy in the groom's party had sexually assaulted me the year prior. Even without his involvement, it caused me to rethink the friendship quite a bit and I was admittedly bitter at first as well. The best thing you can do is move on. Ultimately, I think you will regret not attending the wedding and maybe this is a good time to continue to reflect on what this friendship means to you. Me personally, I examined my other good friendships and re-prioritized. This in itself might not have even been necessary as sometimes it's a matter of family ties or the amount of people a couple can reasonably have in their wedding (i.e. it very likely isn't personal), but I am glad it gave me the opportunity to focus more on the people in my life who do show up for me. And maybe this isn't a complete exclusion. I did end up going on the bachelorette trip with my friend and our other girlfriends and had a blast! You can be involved, be a supportive friend and not have to worry about the stress of being a bridesmaid. A win-win!
Important note: there is nothing wrong with YOU <3
I would decline to attend the wedding. If she asked why before the wedding, I would tell her my reasons in a simple calm manner, with the minimum of words needed, focusing on my feelings, standards, and what works for me - without emotion and not making any demands of her that she clearly is not available for. I would peacefully end the friendship in that conversation.
If she didn't ask before the wedding, I would keep my peace, allow her to have her wedding without adding the complication of this to her concerns.
If she never asked at any point AFTER the wedding, I would take it as clarification that she clearly did not have the connection with me that I believed that we had, and I would move on.
Obviously, it would be clear at that point that it just didn't matter to her, and I won't prioritize people who don't prioritize me.
I MIGHT send her a message with a few words regarding the situation, but I mostly feel that people tell us where they are pretty directly - non-communication is a form of communication. Chasing a non-communicator always ends badly for the chaser.
I won't prioritize people who don't prioritize me. Yes. That line. I'm gonna quote you. Where was this advice when I was 10 years old? :D I really had to stop caring for people that didn't care for me in my school years. One of the hardest lessons I learned in life is just because you care for them doesn't mean you'll get that same care and kindness back. I definitely changed my boundaries and decided to become less available to people. I've been asked the question lately where you been? I mention oh I'm around living life, just decided to be less available. My peace, my health and self care are priorities nowadays.
More power to you! All love and support. You deserve all good things. I also had to learn this lesson the hard hard way (I was taught to be a doormat). It took practice (and I'm always learning and improving), to build the inside muscles of established self-respect - which is in step with self-love. Now, as part of my daily practice of being in high vibration, I look in the mirror every morning and say, "Hello Beautiful, I love you". And by beautiful I mean in all ways - - beautiful physically, beautiful spirit, heart, mind, intention.
Sending all the love and support right back at ya! Hugs! I just one day woke up different. I stopped being the go to person to the people I couldn't go to. I cut off a lot of people from my past and started over. On my end, people mistake my kindness for weakness wayyy tooo much. One of my biggest mistakes was giving people too many chances, and sticking around too long because I was thinking, hey, we all make mistakes, give people time to correct themselves. But instead of being truly sorry and correcting themselves, they used it as yet another opportunity to keep messing me and trying to slander. I'm not the jealous sort and when I see those toxic behaviors on the horizon nowadays, I send them on their merry way quickly. I see myself as the wing woman and honorary hermit in the collective. I got my people, will cheer people on, stand by their side as a bridesmaid if called up. But I'm very picky who I let in nowadays. I rather be on my own than be around people that's not good for me or my well being.
AGREED. :-)
As I was reading your story, it was like I wrote it myself! Same thing just happened to me with a close friend who is getting married. Except my story goes a bit deeper. I never assumed or thought I would be in my friends wedding, as she has many friends. (did I hope I would be, sure!) I would say I am her closest oldest friend though. My friend out of the blue a month or so ago called me to tell me that she will have all siblings, hers and his in the wedding, fair enough. Along with room for 1 friend on her side. She said it came down to me and one other friend. She decided to have that friend in the wedding as a bridesmaid. A little upset but still happy for her and really just happy to be at her big day.
Well then it went one more step further. She then said, they have decided to keep the ceremony small with just about 25 of their closest family and friends. She says, "I'm sorry but you will not be invited to the ceremony, we are keeping it small and then having a reception for 250 people." I always thought I would be at her wedding seeing her get married. Never pictured this.
That day was hard, and even the week or so after. I know things like this shouldn't change a friendship but in some ways it does create a breeze that blows and can change the dynamic of the friendship for years to come. For me now, I have been reflecting on where our friendship is at, and what would my life look like if she wasn't in it as much as she is now. Yes, it is still upsetting and disappointing to not be a part of her big day like I always thought I would, but I think for me is to get rid of the vision I had and accept my own reality. At the end of the day, it is her wedding, her and his choices, I need to live with that and push through to move on because all I want for them to be is happy.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Heartbreaking from a friend perspective but at the same time, it's her decision. Do you think the friendship was forever changed because of this?