- "I’m pretty upset because I threw her (and paid for) a bridal shower, at my house, when she got married a few years ago." - whatever you do, do it because you want to, not because you think they might be able to reciprocate down the line. As things stand, let her know she could have planned ahead or told you way before now. If the friendship ends, at least now she knows exactly what you're thinking, and why.
- "She’s said: It’s definitely a unique choice, isn’t it? Or You really went out of your way to pick something unconventional." - just respond, "yes, it is unique, thank you!"; or "yes, I did, I wanted something special". You're not being sassy, you're just actually saying the truth. Not every friend is meant to go with you all the way, or be your best friends. Doesn't mean they're bad. But now you know how this person thinks, and you'll be able to adjust going forward.
- "I planned most of my own bachelorette party because nobody seemed to pop up and take the lead. I picked an AirBnB for all of us to stay in. Reasonably priced ($50/night per person)." - sounds like you have a good heart and already thinking ahead about making your friends comfortable, but unfortunately they can't get in your head.
Before picking the airbnb, you should have had a clear conversation with them, you want it to be their idea to get a lower-cost place, not yours. Else, it's going to feel like you forced it on them. If someone could afford a nicer place, then yea, they might not like your choice. You could have left it open, and let everyone decide where they wanted to stay. Yea, y'all would still hang out and have fun... Also, you need a chief bridesmaid to take the lead on these things, and in a way, isolate you from most of the drama.
There are levels to friendships, and it sounds like you're asking for the same level of friendship from ALL of them. That's not real life, and for the sake of your peace and mental health, you'd need to meet each person at their level - for each person, listen to what they say, see what they do, and act accordingly - no grudges, no hurt feelings.
Stay strong! I cleared dates with my three bridesmaids for the shower and bachelorette party 4 to 6 months in advance, taking into account birthdays, work events and dance recitals. You can't please everyone, but they should at least make an effort to be there for the big three (wedding day included).
Say something about your frustrations. If they want to re book the air b and b or buy different dresses at their own expense, they can do that or keep their mouths shut.
Weddings can be extremely stressful, and hugely triggering events for everybody involved. As the bride, you assume or hope that it'll simply inspire joy in others, as it primarily does for you. However that's rarely the case. Weddings can bring out others' insecurities and resentments about not being the "star" and/or having had life their go the way that THEY wished. It's deeply bittersweet, and their therapist is nowhere nearby. From their perspectives, they are, on some level, doing you a big favor. Yes, joining your wedding party and agreeing to play by your rules for a bit was their choice to make! You assumed they could briefly put their own "issues" aside for you, and surely they'll try. But at some point they may show resentment or envy regarding that and try to make you feel bad. It's not mature, admirable or kind on their part, but it's not at all unusual. Actually the people who can truly do that are beyond rare. Treasure them!
For better or worse, weddings can help you know your imperfect self, friends and family more fully. The good news is that most of the surprising disappointments that emerge become trivial, faint memories with time. And sometimes people even find the strength to apologize later upon reflection of their behavior. Hopefully all annoyances will pale compared to the excitement and happiness of your big day!
I wasn't sure if I should comment on this or not, because at first I thought it wasn't my lane. But here we go and here's my two cents.
Growing up, I used to think that weddings were a happy time for the people that found each other and wanted to spend their lives with each other (keeping in mind my bridesmaid status for life that I mentioned in another comment thread). I'm not into drama and saw that wedding planning, attending weddings, and family at them were drama filled one too many times. When I was in grade school, I used to wonder why some people didn't get invited, because they appeared to be really close to the people (or that's what it appeared like). I realize now that sometimes you will get invited to a wedding based on status, privilege, how someone else sees you, basically for all the wrong reasons. I even had some people care more about being seen at an event, than really caring about the person getting married. They want to post a Facebook status saying heyyyyy I'm here" to sometimes make others feel bad for not being invited! It's wild out here sometimes.
As your bridesmaid bestie, I'm cheering you on to hang tough. After the wedding is over all these minor inconveniences will be distant memories. Maybe have a fireside chat with each of them and list out your frustrations/expectations of them being in your wedding party. You're not going to please everyone, but at least you can get it out in the open.
As a bride you're probably thinking they should share in your joy, because after all these are your people and they should be supporting you entering this new chapter in your life, right? Wrong, sadly. I started to see the drama that came along with weddings and being invited to them. I get invited to quite a bit nowadays, but I don't care if that invite comes anymore on the other hand (I actually made a video series about wedding invites and such). Some people might be jealous and envious that you are getting married, and they are not. Maybe they wish they could be doing the same things you are doing, and resentments and regrets come up. Maybe they don't like the way their lives are turning out point blank. And your wedding where other people are around is the perfect opportunity to make it about them, instead of making it about you and your special day. It's not mature but it is what it is. If you can find people that can cheer you on like Miss Nigeria, and genuinely want what's best for you, even if it means the spotlight isn't on them, keep them. I have to be up front, I'm not into drama, gossip, or slandering. I'm not the jealous type. I had to cut a lot of people out of my life in recent years because they wasn't good for my wellbeing, while being painfully self aware myself and checking myself the whole time. I value my peace, my mental health and my happiness. Some people thrive in chaos. Some weddings started to be more like a circus full of opening acts, side acts, and drama from a movie. All these personalities in the guest list that's more interested in fulfilling an agenda than focusing on the couple. I said you know what, these people have more issues than a magazine stand, and I won't go to the stand, period. In other words, I started skipping events and weddings as a part of my self care, especially if I pick up on cutthroat, snobbish, one-upping, and toxic behaviors. I come from a huge family and run in different circles from acting and entrepreneurship. I've been invited to weddings at different periods because the people and I had/have had some sort of connection in the past. But lately I've been declining invites, because I value my happiness and joy. Especially when I know the question will be---hey when will you be getting married...Lol. You know the busybodies in the wings..lol.
It's funny, when I see friends from school over the years getting married and the photos plastered all over social media? Regardless if I was invited or not, I send good vibes and move on my marry way.
A mistake I made was expecting me from other people in my 20's. As a friend, I was thinking, I would do this for you, so why won't you do this for me type thing. Nowadays, I meet people where they are at. I do not expect any thing from anyone at this point. If they rise to the occasion, great. If they don't, great. I lowkey feel like these people think "hey, I'm in her bridal party, she should be grateful that I decided to participate in her wedding in the first place. Airing my grievances is just something she will have to deal with."
Hopefully they can realize the error of their ways and do some self reflection. Self-awareness is a great trait to have, especially nowadays. It's even sweeter when someone can admit they were wrong and correct themselves.
But hopefully you have the best wedding ever! I'm cheering for you all the way.
This might be tough love, but:
- "I’m pretty upset because I threw her (and paid for) a bridal shower, at my house, when she got married a few years ago." - whatever you do, do it because you want to, not because you think they might be able to reciprocate down the line. As things stand, let her know she could have planned ahead or told you way before now. If the friendship ends, at least now she knows exactly what you're thinking, and why.
- "She’s said: It’s definitely a unique choice, isn’t it? Or You really went out of your way to pick something unconventional." - just respond, "yes, it is unique, thank you!"; or "yes, I did, I wanted something special". You're not being sassy, you're just actually saying the truth. Not every friend is meant to go with you all the way, or be your best friends. Doesn't mean they're bad. But now you know how this person thinks, and you'll be able to adjust going forward.
- "I planned most of my own bachelorette party because nobody seemed to pop up and take the lead. I picked an AirBnB for all of us to stay in. Reasonably priced ($50/night per person)." - sounds like you have a good heart and already thinking ahead about making your friends comfortable, but unfortunately they can't get in your head.
Before picking the airbnb, you should have had a clear conversation with them, you want it to be their idea to get a lower-cost place, not yours. Else, it's going to feel like you forced it on them. If someone could afford a nicer place, then yea, they might not like your choice. You could have left it open, and let everyone decide where they wanted to stay. Yea, y'all would still hang out and have fun... Also, you need a chief bridesmaid to take the lead on these things, and in a way, isolate you from most of the drama.
There are levels to friendships, and it sounds like you're asking for the same level of friendship from ALL of them. That's not real life, and for the sake of your peace and mental health, you'd need to meet each person at their level - for each person, listen to what they say, see what they do, and act accordingly - no grudges, no hurt feelings.
Stay strong! I cleared dates with my three bridesmaids for the shower and bachelorette party 4 to 6 months in advance, taking into account birthdays, work events and dance recitals. You can't please everyone, but they should at least make an effort to be there for the big three (wedding day included).
Say something about your frustrations. If they want to re book the air b and b or buy different dresses at their own expense, they can do that or keep their mouths shut.
Weddings can be extremely stressful, and hugely triggering events for everybody involved. As the bride, you assume or hope that it'll simply inspire joy in others, as it primarily does for you. However that's rarely the case. Weddings can bring out others' insecurities and resentments about not being the "star" and/or having had life their go the way that THEY wished. It's deeply bittersweet, and their therapist is nowhere nearby. From their perspectives, they are, on some level, doing you a big favor. Yes, joining your wedding party and agreeing to play by your rules for a bit was their choice to make! You assumed they could briefly put their own "issues" aside for you, and surely they'll try. But at some point they may show resentment or envy regarding that and try to make you feel bad. It's not mature, admirable or kind on their part, but it's not at all unusual. Actually the people who can truly do that are beyond rare. Treasure them!
For better or worse, weddings can help you know your imperfect self, friends and family more fully. The good news is that most of the surprising disappointments that emerge become trivial, faint memories with time. And sometimes people even find the strength to apologize later upon reflection of their behavior. Hopefully all annoyances will pale compared to the excitement and happiness of your big day!
I wasn't sure if I should comment on this or not, because at first I thought it wasn't my lane. But here we go and here's my two cents.
Growing up, I used to think that weddings were a happy time for the people that found each other and wanted to spend their lives with each other (keeping in mind my bridesmaid status for life that I mentioned in another comment thread). I'm not into drama and saw that wedding planning, attending weddings, and family at them were drama filled one too many times. When I was in grade school, I used to wonder why some people didn't get invited, because they appeared to be really close to the people (or that's what it appeared like). I realize now that sometimes you will get invited to a wedding based on status, privilege, how someone else sees you, basically for all the wrong reasons. I even had some people care more about being seen at an event, than really caring about the person getting married. They want to post a Facebook status saying heyyyyy I'm here" to sometimes make others feel bad for not being invited! It's wild out here sometimes.
As your bridesmaid bestie, I'm cheering you on to hang tough. After the wedding is over all these minor inconveniences will be distant memories. Maybe have a fireside chat with each of them and list out your frustrations/expectations of them being in your wedding party. You're not going to please everyone, but at least you can get it out in the open.
As a bride you're probably thinking they should share in your joy, because after all these are your people and they should be supporting you entering this new chapter in your life, right? Wrong, sadly. I started to see the drama that came along with weddings and being invited to them. I get invited to quite a bit nowadays, but I don't care if that invite comes anymore on the other hand (I actually made a video series about wedding invites and such). Some people might be jealous and envious that you are getting married, and they are not. Maybe they wish they could be doing the same things you are doing, and resentments and regrets come up. Maybe they don't like the way their lives are turning out point blank. And your wedding where other people are around is the perfect opportunity to make it about them, instead of making it about you and your special day. It's not mature but it is what it is. If you can find people that can cheer you on like Miss Nigeria, and genuinely want what's best for you, even if it means the spotlight isn't on them, keep them. I have to be up front, I'm not into drama, gossip, or slandering. I'm not the jealous type. I had to cut a lot of people out of my life in recent years because they wasn't good for my wellbeing, while being painfully self aware myself and checking myself the whole time. I value my peace, my mental health and my happiness. Some people thrive in chaos. Some weddings started to be more like a circus full of opening acts, side acts, and drama from a movie. All these personalities in the guest list that's more interested in fulfilling an agenda than focusing on the couple. I said you know what, these people have more issues than a magazine stand, and I won't go to the stand, period. In other words, I started skipping events and weddings as a part of my self care, especially if I pick up on cutthroat, snobbish, one-upping, and toxic behaviors. I come from a huge family and run in different circles from acting and entrepreneurship. I've been invited to weddings at different periods because the people and I had/have had some sort of connection in the past. But lately I've been declining invites, because I value my happiness and joy. Especially when I know the question will be---hey when will you be getting married...Lol. You know the busybodies in the wings..lol.
It's funny, when I see friends from school over the years getting married and the photos plastered all over social media? Regardless if I was invited or not, I send good vibes and move on my marry way.
A mistake I made was expecting me from other people in my 20's. As a friend, I was thinking, I would do this for you, so why won't you do this for me type thing. Nowadays, I meet people where they are at. I do not expect any thing from anyone at this point. If they rise to the occasion, great. If they don't, great. I lowkey feel like these people think "hey, I'm in her bridal party, she should be grateful that I decided to participate in her wedding in the first place. Airing my grievances is just something she will have to deal with."
Hopefully they can realize the error of their ways and do some self reflection. Self-awareness is a great trait to have, especially nowadays. It's even sweeter when someone can admit they were wrong and correct themselves.
But hopefully you have the best wedding ever! I'm cheering for you all the way.
-Your Bridesmaid Bestie Alesha