Tiny Little Drama Everywhere
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📞 Hello? Hi. It’s me, Jen Glantz. Welcome to the Bridesmaid for Hire Hotline. A place where real stories are shared and your best advice is given.
This week: A bride named Monica confesses that something is a little off between her and her bridesmaids. Tiny little drama, everywhere. She’s not sure what to do and needs your advice.👇
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🤏Tiny Little Drama Everywhere
Dear Bridesmaid for Hire Hotline,
My name is Monica. I might be alone in this but I feel like there’s constant but tiny little drama happening between myself and my bridesmaids. It’s not big, loud, and chaotic drama that has led to any of them quitting the bridal party (yet) but these small punches have put in a dent in our friendship, especially on my end.
I had one bridesmaid tell me, a week before my bridal shower, that she can’t make it anymore because her daughter has a dance recital then. I’m pretty upset because I threw her (and paid for) a bridal shower, at my house, when she got married a few years ago. Couldn’t she have planned ahead or at least told me about this weeks ago? I just feel like my big day is her after though.
Another bridesmaid won’t stop making passive aggressive comments about the dress I picked out for the girls to wear. She’s said: It’s definitely a unique choice, isn’t it? Or You really went out of your way to pick something unconventional. I picked a dress that’s $99, which I thought would be a big win for my friends. Yes, it’s patterned dress but it’s part of the aesthetic I was going for. Shouldn’t I be allowed to find a low cost dress that’s part of the vibe I want?
One more example. I planned most of my own bachelorette party because nobody seemed to pop up and take the lead. I picked an AirBnB for all of us to stay in. Reasonably priced ($50/night per person). Multiple bridesmaids have made comments about the place and complained about how the house is small and doesn’t have a pool. I mean come on! I tried to pick a place that was affordable and nice. It’s not perfect but it is what it is.
It’s tiny little stuff, but it’s starting to break me.
I’m feeling like my wedding is an inconvenience for my bridesmaids even though I’ve considered their feelings, budgets, and time when making decisions. I even covered costs when I could. I’m paying for their wedding hair and makeup and booked a few bachelorette party activities on my dime.
Am I overreacting or are they being ungrateful and inconsiderate?
Should I say something or suck it up?
I’ll be honest, once the wedding ends, I plan to take a break from seeing some of my bridesmaids or speaking to them. They really didn’t come through for me and I’m not asking that much, am i?
Thanks for listening to my mini-rant! Now, please HELP!
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This might be tough love, but:
- "I’m pretty upset because I threw her (and paid for) a bridal shower, at my house, when she got married a few years ago." - whatever you do, do it because you want to, not because you think they might be able to reciprocate down the line. As things stand, let her know she could have planned ahead or told you way before now. If the friendship ends, at least now she knows exactly what you're thinking, and why.
- "She’s said: It’s definitely a unique choice, isn’t it? Or You really went out of your way to pick something unconventional." - just respond, "yes, it is unique, thank you!"; or "yes, I did, I wanted something special". You're not being sassy, you're just actually saying the truth. Not every friend is meant to go with you all the way, or be your best friends. Doesn't mean they're bad. But now you know how this person thinks, and you'll be able to adjust going forward.
- "I planned most of my own bachelorette party because nobody seemed to pop up and take the lead. I picked an AirBnB for all of us to stay in. Reasonably priced ($50/night per person)." - sounds like you have a good heart and already thinking ahead about making your friends comfortable, but unfortunately they can't get in your head.
Before picking the airbnb, you should have had a clear conversation with them, you want it to be their idea to get a lower-cost place, not yours. Else, it's going to feel like you forced it on them. If someone could afford a nicer place, then yea, they might not like your choice. You could have left it open, and let everyone decide where they wanted to stay. Yea, y'all would still hang out and have fun... Also, you need a chief bridesmaid to take the lead on these things, and in a way, isolate you from most of the drama.
There are levels to friendships, and it sounds like you're asking for the same level of friendship from ALL of them. That's not real life, and for the sake of your peace and mental health, you'd need to meet each person at their level - for each person, listen to what they say, see what they do, and act accordingly - no grudges, no hurt feelings.
Stay strong! I cleared dates with my three bridesmaids for the shower and bachelorette party 4 to 6 months in advance, taking into account birthdays, work events and dance recitals. You can't please everyone, but they should at least make an effort to be there for the big three (wedding day included).
Say something about your frustrations. If they want to re book the air b and b or buy different dresses at their own expense, they can do that or keep their mouths shut.